I’ve been at home with Maia for six months now. In many places – including here in London – I would have normally returned to work already, especially considering that I work in the male dominated finance sector where the corporate culture isn’t supportive of long parental leaves. By the UK law my exact job position is only secured up to six months, but I have the statutory right to take 52-weeks of maternity leave and return to work to the same or an equivalent job. What’s the statutory right and what’s good for career progression may be very different, however… Also my advanced maternity pay has long ago ended and staying at home with Maia has direct financial implications already now. After six months at home, some mums – especially the career oriented ones – are itching to get back to work. After all it’s a long time to be away!
Last week a headhunter texted me fishing for information on my plans going forward. I ignored him. The idea of leaving Maia to go to work anytime soon feels unbearable. Actually, the idea of leaving her to go anywhere is difficult for me because I simply haven’t been away from her. I’m comfortable with popping out for and hour or so leaving Maia with her dad but even those occasions have been rare. So separation anxiety is one thing to consider. Another is the fact that I want to be the one taking care of her. I want to be there for her, teaching her new things and seeing her develop. I love the “firsts” and am so excited every time she masters a new skill. As a Finnish person staying at home for the first year of the child’s life is the norm. I’m not in a hurry to stop breastfeeding either, which both Maia and I enjoy. Weaning will be exciting and I want to experience it with her and to make sure she can learn to eat solids at her own pace. Thirdly, we are still not sleeping enough for me to fully function during the day. I can just manage taking care of Maia and myself (including my fitness) and keeping up with the household chores and maybe even with my blog, if it’s been a good night. There’s no way I could do my job to the standard I used to if I wake up two-three times per night (or six, if it’s a real bad one) like we often do.
It’s not just about leaving her either. It’s also about leaving her with whom! In the UK children usually start school in the September after they turn four. Until then they will stay either at nurseries, with childminders or are taken care of by nannies (if not by their own family) – all private and costly. In London it is common to waitlist children to nurseries already during pregnancy because not only are they very expensive, there’s also no guarantee your child will fit into any of the nurseries nearby! And you don’t want to leave your child with just anyone. Ideally the nursery would have properly qualified staff who share your views on bringing up the children, they would offer nutritious food and snacks and have a safe outdoor (in addition to indoor) area for the children to play in. Of course we’d wish to find this kind of baby haven on our doorstep too. Unfortunately, it seems to be impossible to find something like this for Maia even if we’d cough up the typical 20 000£ in annual fees.
Personally I’ve been frightened by negative stories and bad rumours of London nurseries. Combined with my anxiety about the idea of leaving Maia, it probably doesn’t surprise anyone to hear that Maia is not on a waiting list to any nursery at all. I can’t pretend the day I return to work won’t happen – I do want to go back to work – but we have decided it will suit our and Maia’s needs better if she stays at home with me until she turns one and then with a nanny. We will soon be moving into our new house in a lovely green and peaceful neighbourhood and Maia will have plenty of space to play indoors and outdoors with a person of our choosing. We just need to find that person.
To be honest, I thought there was a high probability that I would be one of those women who don’t enjoy staying at home. I’ve been focused on my career for so long and always had high ambitions in whatever I was pursuing. Turns out I was wrong. I have really enjoyed my time with Maia. My ambitions have not subsided, I’ve only redirected them. I want to be a good mum to Maia and to enjoy our time together. I like taking her to (baby-friendly) places, going for walks, taking her swimming, singing and playing with her. Raising her is my mission.
This is not to say I don’t miss work. I do, most of it anyway. Feelings of achievement, appreciation, productivity, personal development and progress, are more difficult to come by at home, in my view. Of course I’m learning new things as a new mum and of course my partner appreciates my efforts at home but I’ve learned that motherhood is rewarding in a very different way to a professional career. Sometimes I also miss small things like getting dressed nicely to go to my office, being able to drink my coffee and read my emails in peace, having daily conversations with adults which don’t include poo. Oh, and yes, I do miss being paid. Not because of the money so much, but being financially dependent on my partner is new to me having had my own salary for 15 years.
Maia’s first year is a special time which I’ll never have back. Never again will I have nothing but her to focus on, to kiss and cuddle to my heart’s content. Soon she’ll be a big girl and her world will be much bigger than our current mummy-baby bubble. In some ways it already is…
Is it time to go back to work? No, not yet.
xoxoxo,
Sini