On a good day I feel like a rockstar – the geeky type in a suit and wiping bottoms after work – but a rockstar nevertheless. I might have placed a successfully round of calls to my international clients, had interesting debates in meetings and received good feedback, and ticked off more things off my to-do list in a day that I even thought possible. Then I’ve run home to read “Good night Peppa Pig” and to tug my baby girl into bed. Then I’d crash on the sofa just for the little one in my belly to start his evening dance. And I’d feel like I’m winning in life. Happy!
On a bad day I might feel on the brink of a breakdown, hyperventilating in the office feeling like the walls are closing in on me. Nothing is enough and everyone wants something from me, constantly. My head is spinning from the lack of sleep and my lower back aching from the weight of the growing baby bump. I really just want to lie down but I have too many things to do and lying down doesn’t really feel comfortable anyway.
It’s been nine months since I went back to my investment banking (debt capital markets) job after my maternity leave. At the time I cried a lot and felt like this combination – career and motherhood – was simply impossible and I was making everyone in my family miserable. Things did improve and although it’s been challenging, I’ve had more good days than bad. But I’m five months pregnant now and I have to admit it’s getting harder again. Right now, I’m well aware I’m burning the candle at both ends and I’m just praying it’ll last until December.
What prompted this blog post is the particularly bad case of holidays blues I experienced in the last weeks of August. Summer and holidays had come at a good time. The first trimester is always a bit of a struggle with the fatigue, nausea and the constant fear of miscarriage. July was quieter at work and I had two weeks off in August – just what I needed! I loved spending a lot of time with Maia and I feel like we bonded again better and got closer. I treasure all the hugs and kisses and giggles I got from her! Needless to say, going back to work caused a separation anxiety for both of us. I was unlucky too because work got super busy the week I got back and my first over night trip abroad was just two days after we got back home from holidays. Going from “together 24/7” to not seeing her for three days was tough and took away from the enjoyment of my work trip. Normally, as much as I hate being away from her, I do enjoy these trips and the client meetings and thrive on the adrenaline kick I get from presenting/pitching to clients. This time I felt physically tired and emotionally sad and distant, although somehow I pulled through it like a professional (I’d like to think anyway). Without a genuine smile though.
My bad luck continued and London was hit with a heatwave. Our old Victorian townhouse is not made for hot weather. Our top floor bedrooms turn into Turkish saunas and no one slept well for several nights. And if there’s anything I learned from the real life empirical experiment of having a newborn, it’s that sleep deprivation sucks all joy out life…
So on my sixth day at work after holidays I found myself having some sort of a panic attack, feeling completely overwhelmed with everything that was being asked from me while struggling to form a sentence in my sleep deprived brain. I remember looking around the office and wondering how everyone else was just getting on with it, some even with a smile on their faces. It’s hard to think clear when you are tired and hormonal. On that particular day, I managed to pull it together by going outside for a short breather and texting my husband who called me back straight away and helped me to “get a grip” in a gentle way. After all, no one will die if an email is not sent or a call is not placed.
I always try to perform well and I hate to let people down and it’s just not me to say no when I’m asked to do something. Especially at work where I’m keen to prove that a pregnant woman is not a liability. That being said, I have to be honest and admit that yes, it does have an impact – physically and mentally I’m not 100% there. But the same could be said about a lot of life situations (like divorce or a loss in the family) people might get thrown into. If employers would only have a bit longer time horizon in mind, they would see that these years of “inconvenience” (i.e. when women have small children) are very short in comparison to the many years efficient and motivated mothers can dedicate to the company (not forgetting the benefits of having a diverse workforce). I think there are positive changes even in my industry and the fact is that never in history has it been so “easy” for women to have both a family and a career. But it’s not all about the support and money and childcare – many of us new mums struggle with the fundamental dilemma of not wanting to outsource childcare even when we could afford it!
Anyway…
The heatwave was over the following week and after a few good nights I felt like a new woman! I was back to being a “super woman” and even cracked a few (probably bad) jokes at work. 😄 I made an effort to go to a pregnancy yoga and a Reformer Pilates class and even a pregnancy massage! Self-care and all, you know.
When I observe things in isolation I don’t think there’s anything “wrong” with any part of my life currently: pregnancy is going well, I adore my toddler girl and our family time, and although my career is challenging that’s how I’ve always liked it. It’s the combination which isn’t working for me. But I won’t be pregnant forever and my kids won’t be babies forever. Precisely that’s why it should feel easier to take the foot off the gas and to find ways to adjust the current lifestyle to cope better. But it’s not easy… It’s just so unlike me!
I was hoping to have my maternity cover start in the coming weeks so that I would have time to train him (or, in the unlikely scenario, her) and also to slow down towards the end of my pregnancy. Unfortunately the opposite happened and my analyst quit which means that we are one man down in my team, not up. My anxiety levels increased immediately. But following the advice from my hubby, I’m trying to manage my superiors’ expectations and to set boundaries because at the end of the day, nothing is worth risking the wellbeing of my baby and myself (or the rest of my family’s, who are also affected!).
On Friday I was offered an opportunity to fly to Amsterdam on Monday (today) to represent my team at an interesting conference. I was keen to jump on the chance and quickly made childcare and travel arrangements. I did wonder whether it was a good idea since I have another business trip coming up the week after, but I didn’t want to miss this opportunity. But I was unlucky again. On Saturday morning we woke up at 4am with Maia screaming alarmingly (she’s usually quite a good sleeper). It was nothing serious but she had caught the cold and was coughing miserably in a puddle of snot. We spent the day trying to cheer her up – I felt so sorry for her but also for us because having a sick child is bloody exhausting. On Sunday the inevitable happened after having been used as a toddler’s snot rag for 24h – I woke up feeling very sick myself. Completely blocked up, with chest pain, headache and sore throat. By the evening I started panicking about how I would manage my trip to Amsterdam. You know those moments when you just want to scream at the universe “just give me a break already!!” By 2am, having had no sleep and feeling like h*ll, it was obvious I was not flying anywhere on Monday. I ugly cried out of disappointment, frustration and pure exhaustion.
So today I didn’t go to Amsterdam. I barely made it to the GP and chemist to hear the obvious diagnosis of “bad viral infection made worse by sleep deprivation” and “no Madam, I’m afraid you can’t take OTC flu meds during pregnancy”. I did buy Maia a few cute hair pins and a unicorn hairbrush from Boots because, I don’t know, I’m compensating for being such a lousy mum?
There’s a silver lining to every cloud? Well yes. Since I am a working mum who has outsourced childcare during the week, I could actually have a sick day (not a luxury stay at home mums get, I still remember). I got myself a pot of chicken soup, chocolate and tissues and went back home to exhaust Netflix (“Call the midwife” is my all time favourite!). The best part of my day has been lying on the sofa with my little baby boy kicking in my belly. His kicks are finally strong enough to be felt from the top of the tummy too and by hubby felt the little guy for the first time two days ago! ❤️
When I started to write this post it was meant to be more upbeat. And should I wait for a few days to finish it off, I’m sure it would be. But for now I’m all gloom and doom, sorry!
We can’t have it all. I truly think balance is they key to long-term happiness and I’m still searching for mine. In the meantime, I’m trying to stay optimistic!
xoxoxo,
Sini