Quiet at last! My first days on maternity leave were quite emotional and a stressful too (see my last two posts) and only now I feel like I can relax a bit. I’ve been exhausted to the bone and crying a lot and just generally being a bit of a hormonal mess, but it all feels a bit better now. Although stopping work was a huge relief at this point of pregnancy, it’s a big change not only for me but also for Maia.
Maia’s nanny was on holiday for a few days and Maia and I had some precious one-on-one time together but I have to admit, it’s not been super easy with her! She is clearly a bit confused and clings onto me not understanding when I will be around and when not, which is completely understandable. I feel very lucky to have the chance to still have full time help (Monday-Friday) even though I’m at home now. Our plan is for me to be able to rest and recover and stabilise the pregnancy during these last weeks. So although of course I want to spend time with Maia, her nanny is in charge and they carry on with normal routine and activities with just an add-on of mummy being around too, part of the day. Maia has been glued to me when I’m in the room but she’s been acting strangely – as if she doesn’t really know what she wants and nothing is good enough. She’s happy one moment but moody, clingy and even plain naughty the next! She has started waking up in the middle of her nap and even at night crying for mummy. Maia kicks off at the smallest trigger and throws tantrums and has even hit me in the face! Bedtime has also taken ages (30-minutes instead of ten, long in our scale) recently as she makes sure she has all of her comfort things: her milk, and blanket (“the cape”), Snoozy and Rabbit, and has several stories and cuddles and lullabies… It’s all been rather exhausting to be honest. And it breaks my heart because I know she’s going through another big change in her life and it’s because of me.
But then I remind myself that this is a positive change! Maia has not one but two people at home during the weekdays who love and care about her and soon she will also have a little brother! It’s natural for her to react to the change. It just feels hard to me because she’s usually such a joy and I’m not used to this kind of behaviour and feel responsible for it. I’d been looking forward to this time with her so much that a literal slap in the face has felt pretty brutal… Luckily though Maia’s nanny has seen it all before and is much more capable than me to deal with Maia’s behaviour firmly and calmly, and she’s reassured me it’ll all go away in time as Maia gets used to the new normal. Hopefully we’ll have another month or so before the baby arrives so that we can handle the life change in stages. And to enjoy Christmas!
Over the holidays her nanny will be off for two weeks while we’ll spend some family time. My dad and in-laws will visit and also my husband will be at home for more than a week which will be lovely. A small voice in my head is also warning me it might not be super easy with Maia because again we will be deviating from her routine, but I won’t be alone to deal with what’ll come. It’s not that I lack confidence in my ability to look after her, but the third trimester is quite hard work as it is and looking after a toddler is pretty tiring. That being said, it can also be fun! Last Friday we had a great time with Maia – we went to her art class which she absolutely loves! I’ve never taken her before (since I normally work during the week) but I’ve seen pictures and I heard she loves it. Still, it was so nice to see it for myself! It was fascinating to follow her and to observe her. She knew the drill: from where to get her apron and where to wash hands, even where to take her painting to dry!
This is a time of change for us all, but as said, ultimately a very positive one. I’m also very happy to report that my contractions have eased somewhat and no more of the mucus plug has come out, so I’m feeling more optimistic about making it to full term! I have a midwife appointment tomorrow at the hospital and I’m hoping to hear more good news. Although not entirely sure what that could be. In my experience, apart from listening to the baby’s heartbeat, midwife appointments aren’t that informative… Interestingly, here in the UK mothers’ weight is not monitored (unless there’s a particular cause for concern). Personally I think that’s great – gaining weight is obviously normal and part of the process but being regularly weighed when there’s no medical reason for it just causes unnecessary anxiety, in my opinion at least. I’ve learned from the Finnish mum blogs I read that in my home country it’s quite the opposite and many mums-to-be dread going to see the midwife because of the weigh in’s…
Overall, I’ve been feeling ok, just tired. Maia had fever last weekend and I didn’t sleep well as I was worried about her, so that has also played a role. Probably after a few days of rest I’ll start feeling better! Yesterday I went to a pregnancy yoga class, my first in weeks! It was quite disheartening how difficult I found the rather active class (can we just do savasana please?) but I’m determined to continue the classes because they really help with mobility, even if my strength seems to have disappeared… I also filled up the birthing ball I bought and have started bouncing on it to help get the baby back into good position, since he’d flipped around. Not that it really matters at this stage as long as I’m not going into labour yet, but so many people have recommended the ball that I though to give it a shot.
Something else to look forward to is my maternity photo shoot this Friday. At least I’m hoping it’ll take place on Friday! Originally I had booked it for yesterday, but because I’d love to have the photos taken outside, we had to reschedule due to bad weather. I always knew December was not idea for outdoor photography but we’ll keep chasing the sun for a few more days before we might have to give up and take them in a studio. I never had pictures taken last time as I thought it was a bit vain to spend on something like that… But I regretted not doing it in the end. Pregnancy is a very short and special time and even if at the time I didn’t always love the way I looked, in hindsight I wished I had proper photos as keepsakes instead of just mirror selfies (and selfies with a timer). And who knows, this could be my last pregnancy.
Yesterday I also started packing my hospital bag. I went to M&S and bought cheap and comfy button down pyjamas (easy boob access) and stretchy black granny pants to use at the hospital with the ginormous maternity pads. I still have some disposable pants left from last time, but after the first night I remember swapping them for normal ones for better comfort. Thick socks, two sleep nursing bras and change clothes for going home in and I think that’s me covered. I didn’t need many clothes for myself last time. I added travel size toiletries and snacks into my bag and will also have a few bottles of sports drink to get me through labour. If I’ll get into the birthing pool, I’ll go naked, no need for a bathing suit. It’s not a spa day and the people in the room will see everything anyway, so I’m not fussed. I will however take a few things to try to make the mood in the room calmer such as my moon lamp, Maia’s photograph, clary sage oil, and wireless headphones for listening to my hypnobirthing tracks.
Now I just need to get on with sorting the newborn clothes!!
xoxoxo,
Sini