I’ve struggled to stay in good spirits in the last two weeks… That’s why I’ve also felt reluctant to blog. But the truth is that everyone struggles sometimes, pregnant or not, and to pretend otherwise wouldn’t be right. The other day when I was feeling fed up with the discomforts of late pregnancy and complaining to my husband he said “well you can’t enjoy every moment of your life”, which obviously made me want to punch him, but he was of course right (although horribly insensitive – ugh, men). But feeling tired and fed up, emotionally and physically pushed to your limits in the last weeks of pregnancy doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby!!
After some self reflection I concluded that some of my grumpiness stems from feeling disappointed because I had really looked forward to these few weeks in January thinking I could practice some serious R&R and soak in the pregnancy bubble before our boy would arrive, but it hasn’t exactly been as enjoyable as I thought. Obviously I had completely forgotten about how it actually feels to be to heavily pregnant. I do remember being uncomfortable and feeling impatient for the baby to arrive, but I thought that as a second time mum-to-be I would, somehow, be above all that (lol). I’m free to do what I want since I have a full time nanny to look after Maia and I’m on paid maternity leave – I should feel like the queen!! Except that I have not slept properly in weeks, any activity (such as standing up) sets off painful Braxton Hicks contractions and what feel like electric shocks in my cervix, I’ve had a pounding headache for ten days now, and most recently I’ve been getting a super itchy heat rash on my chest too (in January FFS…). I didn’t even know pregnancy could bring all of these things on! Emotionally the above have left me feeling frustrated and anxious and feeling very “done” with this pregnancy, despite knowing full well that going into labour and having my baby will hardly make my life easier, on the contrary. My suspicion is that instead of the physical pains and aches, it’s the feeling of being (rather uncomfortably) stuck in between the old and the new life, in transition if you like, which causes most of the emotional anxiety for pregnant mamas. That plus any fears relating to giving birth or to the life change in general, of course!
It could be worse though. Yes, I’ve been feeling a bit down and not myself, but I’m not panicking (often) nor crying (much)! And I keep reminding myself of how lucky I am because the baby is doing so well and I’ve avoided complications so far. Although counting my blessings sometimes makes me feel worse – I feel guilty for complaining about my minor struggles! You know how it is… First world problems.
But it’s very important to stay positive and the two best remedies this week have been spending quality time with Maia and seeing a good friend for lunch yesterday. ❤️ Both have the ability to pull me out of silly self pity! I’ve done what I can to relieve the physical discomforts but there’s only so much that can be done. Otherwise my advice to myself and anyone else for these last weeks of pregnancy is to do what you can to get your mind off the impending labour! One of the great things of already having a child is that she lives 100% in the present moment and simply won’t let me dwell on stuff! Maia has always something to show or tell me and if she’s not making me smile by being her adorable self, she’s keeping me occupied in other ways (so yes there is a welcome time and place for toddler tantrums after all – haha!).
I had my 39-week midwife appointment yesterday. The bump continues to grow well and baby’s heartbeat was strong and the midwife considered it likely he’ll arrive in the coming days. I told her about the headaches and that my hands are slightly swollen now and so she sent me for blood tests to rule out preeclampsia (and something else I forgot the name of), although my blood pressure was normal. I haven’t had the results back yet. The midwife said I’ll need to see a GP if the headache and/or heat rash return because doctors can prescribe medication and creams which midwifes can’t. Hopefully I won’t need to though.
We also went through my visual birth plan which she seemed happy with – I did warn her it’s long! But a lot of it is very basic and based on our approach of a natural birth, which they accommodate well at the birth centre anyway. What’s basic or obvious to me however, might not be that to the midwife we’ll have on the day and so it’s simply easier to have everything explicitly on paper. I am not going to be in the mood for repeating myself. For example, I would like minimum number of people in the delivery room, preferably just my husband and the midwife when she’s needed. So in my visual birth plan I circled “no medical students”. The midwife challenged this and said sometimes the midwife in charge would like to have a student to shadow her and that she might ask if that’s ok. To which I responded with “there will be no need to ask me because I explicitly say no in this birth plan”. I don’t want any unnecessary disturbances when I’m in the labour land. And that’s my right!
I also told her I don’t believe in induction of labour unless there is a justified, medical reasoning behind it. No matter how uncomfortable I’m feeling, I have faith in my body and my baby. I will go into labour when the time is right for my baby to be born. Statistical evidence shows that medically induced labour tends to be longer, more painful and overall tougher for both the mum and baby, and the likelihood of interventions and emergency c-section rises notably. Just wanted to make my stance clear at the hospital. 🙂
Today has been a better day, despite a horrendous night during which I barely slept thanks to the vicious cycle of drinking water to stay hydrated and needing the toilet every two hours because of the baby lying on my bladder. Our nanny had the morning off and so exceptionally I was alone with Maia until her afternoon nap. I really enjoyed our one-on-one time and she was pretty well behaved too! Overall she has been a good girl and the naughty behaviour in the beginning of my maternity leave seems to have been a brief adjustment period (thank god for that). We had a rare sunny morning and we walked to the library for a nursery rhyme singalong session which she loves. I must say that it’s a lot more fun to take her to activities at this age vs. when she was a baby! I’d like to think she enjoyed the baby classes too, but now there’s no mistake about it. I love seeing her enjoy and sing and jump around in excitement!
If this baby would decide to arrive in the same schedule as Maia, and there is absolutely no reason why he should, I would go into labour tomorrow! The thought is very exciting although we might still be waiting for a few weeks. I try not to get my hopes up and just wait patiently. I even booked a hairdresser for Monday to have something else to look forward to!
xoxoxo,
Sini