Can I really manage without a nanny?

Maybe it’s the Finn in me, but I can’t write this post without feeling bit awkward… I shouldn’t feel like I have to explain myself but I do, so bare with me. I know full well that there are many mothers out there who raise multiple kids and manage their household and job all on their own without even the option of having a nanny and/or housekeeper. So no, it’s not easy to admit to have found it hard to cope with two small kids when I have had help – although in fairness the global pandemic and the lockdown have played a role in that. But I also know that many women in my situation- living in London (or another big city) and having a high pressure-high reward career with no family around and a husband who works long hours- have opted for a nanny when they start a family. Also, having a second baby soon after the first is a big deal, a lot bigger than I thought. In hindsight a two-year old is still a baby too! Having no support with two babies is very hard… So that’s my long-winded explanation for why this has been my first ever week of caring for my two children by myself. I’m of course not completely alone, my husband is obviously around, but he works long hours.

I always wanted to be a mum and I want to be the best mum possible (whatever that means, still figuring that out). I took care of a Maia by myself for a full year before going back to work and I only planned to have help while Noah was a newborn. We stretched that out a bit and I had hoped that by now at 5.5-months he would be sleeping better (he isn’t). In any case, I believe it’s time for me to try my wings as a stay at home mum of two and so we let go of our lovely nanny last week (eek!). The decision was also driven by the fact that Maia has always been cared for at home and I think that September, when she’ll be almost three years old, will be a good time for her to start nursery school part-time. But before that I want to bond with her again. ❤️ Originally I had thought I would be able to spend more time with Maia during my second maternity leave but I had forgotten how attached to their mummies small babies are. Noah is still exclusively breastfed and sleeps with me a lot too. Effectively this meant that I’ve been focused on Noah while Maia has been primarily looked after by the nanny, even though of course I’ve seen much more of Maia. This arrangement worked very smoothly. Noah needs me a lot for nursing (and cuddling) and I’m exhausted from still getting up every 1/2-hours every night so it’s been great to have someone else to entertain my active toddler, especially while all activities have been cancelled and playgrounds closed (thanks to the coronavirus). Babies’ and toddlers’ needs are aplenty and there aren’t really any economies of scale as they are so different… You can also forget about the good old “sleep when the baby sleeps”-advice when you have a toddler!

I’m rambling now. What I really wanted to tell you about is how my first week with my kids went.

Well it wasn’t a disaster. There were good moments and bad moments. I didn’t feel like I was bossing it but I managed to keep things under control, mostly. I expected to feel exhausted but it still took me by surprise how relentless the mum job is with two little ones. I did cry a few times, too. But I also enjoyed a lot of it and the days when things ran a bit smoother I felt a sense of empowerment. I’m sure that partly I was so exhausted because juggling two kids is new which adds to the stress and once I’ve established a routine things will get easier. I find it a bit scary to go out with them both by myself because it’s harder to keep Maia safe (from scooting onto the street) while I’m pushing the pram but every good experience is boosting my confidence. I think I’ve definitely mastered my mum voice now because when I roared “STOP and WAIT for mummy!!!” everyone at the crossing stopped, looking sheepish. 😄

I would split the challenges into three categories, from easiest to hardest:

1. Logistical challenges such as how to get both kids into and out of the bathtub safely, or how to wipe the toddler’s bum when the baby is latched on to your boob
2. Challenge of trying to respond to different needs at the same time such as putting the baby down for a nap while doing a fun activity with the toddler
3. Challenge of managing the emotions of a two-year old experiencing a sudden life change (read: tantrums).

It’s still trial and error with the logistics but I’m learning. Preparation really helps and thinking one step ahead to for example avoid unnecessary trips up and down the stairs or having to leave a child waiting (which they generally don’t like to do). I get up earlier in the morning than I used to, while my husband can still watch the kids and I shower and get dressed and ready for the day. I will not get another chance because while I could still shower with a baby in the bouncer on the bathroom floor, I couldn’t have both of them there. And it’s just a bit grim (gross even) to go through your day without having even brushed your teeth… Then I gather everything I need for the kids (clothes, nappies, hair clips etc) before going downstairs. My husband still works from home so in an emergency he can help me out a bit but I try to manage. When possible I encourage Maia to be a big girl and do things on her own or to “show her little brother how to do it”, for example to climb up the stairs so that I don’t have to carry the both of them. I use a buggy board or a scooter for Maia when we go out so that I can have Noah in the pram where he sleeps well. I have Noah in the baby carrier while I prepare Maia’s dinner because he’s tired and wants to be held but I need my hands free. I use an Angelcare bath seat in the big tub so that I can bathe them together. There’s a lot more crying because now there’s always a lag in how quickly I can react to things and I often have to lay the baby down somewhere (the cot/pram/playmat) to wait while I get Maia ready. But that can’t really be helped…

Important part of preparation has been starting to get ready early enough. Nothing happens very quickly and trying to do things in a rush makes everyone stressed. Especially with the toddler it’s better I take my time. We chat about rainbows and butterflies over breakfast, we carefully select the cutest hair bows, we read books on the potty. We don’t rush. We stay happy.

I’m trying to stick to Maia’s daily routine as much as I can and to slot in Noah’s naps and feeds the best I can. We don’t have any play dates or activities at the moment because of the virus so I’m glad it’s summer and we can go outside (we go even in the rain). It works well because Noah naps the best in the pram and Maia likes being outside so he gets rest while she gets tired out. Noah would really need a third nap because his afternoon naps in the cot are short and he usually wakes up by 3pm, but after Maia’s nap I don’t get a chance to try to settle him down again. 4-5pm was always the hardest time of the day to get him down for a nap and I can’t leave Maia on her own for long enough for Noah to fall asleep. Noah ends up being very tired by bathtime which makes it harder for all of us but I haven’t really got a solution for that…

Feeding Noah is also a bit of a challenge… He gets very distracted by Maia jumping around and won’t really settle down for a proper feed. Usually the best daytime feed is at 2pm when Maia is sleeping and before he goes to sleep. On the bright side, Maia is also a source of entertainment for Noah! And they are so cute together it makes my heart melt.

Our daily schedule

• 6am-8am: daddy daycare, mummy sleeps
• 8am-9.30am: getting ready (breakfast, potty, brush teeth, brush hair, get dressed, feed and change Noah)
• 9.30/10am-12pm: outdoor activity (Noah sleeps in the pram)
• 12.30: lunch
• 1.30pm-4pm: story time & nap (Maia 2h, Noah usually max 1h)
• 4-5pm: play at home
• 5pm: dinner
• 6pm: start bedtime routine of bath-books-bed
• 7pm: lights out

Six out of seven days have gone well with Noah sleeping through our morning outing. Yesterday was the first day that I ventured further than our immediate neighbourhood and we went to a little river (more like a stream) walk to see ducks. Unfortunately Noah woke up only after 40-minutes and I didn’t have the sling with me. He was not impressed by having to stay in the pram after waking up, but I needed my free hand to make sure Maia was safe on her scooter. Then she got tired and started toppling over and I decided to carry her before she hurt herself. So I was pushed the pram with screaming Noah in it with one arm, balancing Maia’s scooter on top of it while carrying her on my other arm. Needless to say I did not do any additional exercise that day…

The hardest part so far has been dealing with Maia’s reaction to the change. She is too young to understand properly what’s going on and she’s also too young to discuss her feelings about it. First three days Maia was her sweet self, clearly happy to be spending so much time with me. She even wanted to hold my hand every time we went out. By Thursday however, she started acting out challenging me constantly and throwing tantrums of the scale we haven’t seen since the terrible twos! I’m not going to lie, she really tested my patience. I was getting frustrated with her and myself and struggled to find the best way to manage the situations. I also felt sad because I knew it was her nanny’s departure and the change in her daily life which had triggered the bad behaviour. The weekend was challenging too, but because my husband was with us she got more one-on-one attention which helped. Yesterday and today were actually much better and – knock on wood – maybe she is now starting to get used to our new normal. I’m really tired but I have to stay consistent and disciplined with her because she’s just testing boundaries and challenging me as the authority. Ultimately these boundaries will make her feel safe and secure, so it’s worth it to hold my ground.

All in all I’m feeling ok about how things are going and I’m not regretting my decision, yet anyway. So far I haven’t cooked much for Maia but I have been using batch cooked kid meals from the freezer prepared by the nanny before her last day. I’ve also had my husband offer a helping hand every now and then, especially at bedtime which has been godsent. I’m a bit worried about how I’ll manage completely alone… I’m also slightly worried about how long I can carry on with this poor sleep! I’ve started preparing Noah’s nursery because it’ll soon be time for him to move out of my bedroom (and bed!).

I feel like Maia and I have bonded more already and I’m really enjoying her company and loving the extra affection from her. I feel more confident in my ability to care for my two little ones now and I’m hoping it’ll just get easier! Although I can’t help but to think Noah is still quite “easy” to look after since he can’t crawl, he still sleeps in the pram and only feeds on breastmilk, and so it’s actually more likely that it will get more, not less, challenging… But when have I ever been afraid of a challenge?!

xoxoxo,

Sini