For the past three weeks I’ve been packing and unpacking my stuff again, for the sixth time in nearly five years, ever since my big move to London. Combined with wedding planning (only two weeks to go – eek!) it’s made me reflect on certain decisions I’ve made in life, all those times I’ve packed up and moved on, not looking back.
Moving is a big thing, even when it’s “just” moving to another house down the road. Changing your home, your safe haven, is a big deal, not to mention the practical hassle that comes with it all. It’s a leap outside the comfort zone and it can be quite bittersweet because it always involves leaving something behind no matter how new and exciting the new home would be. Sometimes it also involves leaving people behind.
I find packing up my stuff a good chance for a little inventory – what do I need in my life right now and in the immediate future and what am I ready to let go of. And I’m not just talking about shoes.
“These mountains that you are carrying, your were only supposed to climb”.
—Najwa Zebian
Four and half years ago I arrived to London with one suitcase, a job contract and a few acquaintances. It’s fair to say I left a lot more in Finland but I felt confident that this move was for the better for me in the long-term. I’m so happy that in this rather short amount of time I’ve managed to build a life here. Most importantly I’ve found my number one teammate in life whom I’m to marry in two weeks time. We have a beautiful baby daughter and a house which will be an amazing home once we get the boxes unpacked and the furniture in! I have a small but wonderful group of friends to share the ups and downs of our life here in London. For the first time in years I’m living and appreciating the present so much I just want to stop here and hold onto what I’ve got!
Because moving forward and not looking back has a cost. It’s often a trade-off and even more often you can’t be sure what exactly, if anything, you’ll get in return for giving up the old. In retrospect I know I made the right decision moving to London but I did have moments of doubt along the way. And sometimes, even though I’ve gained so much, I look back and think of what I left behind, sometimes with a bit of sadness.
If you’ve ever planned a wedding, you’ll know how difficult it can be to decide who to invite. There are cost considerations and if you are like me, you simply don’t want a big wedding. Although it’s our day we wouldn’t want to deliberately upset anyone but also it isn’t the day to try to please others. At the end of the day it’s impossible to please everyone anyway so it better to think about what and who makes us happy. Who has played an important role in our pasts, who are a big part of our lives at present, and who do we want to have in our lives going forward. It’s not necesarily easy or fun to go through this sorting of people…
Out of the carefully picked invitees not everyone will come to the wedding, which can again be emotional. Last minute cancellations are the worst because not only is it highly disappointing (at a time when the stress levels are already rising) but it’s costly and makes carefully drafted table plans awkward. Oh, designing table plans can be an eye opener to the complexities in relationships around you.
Without diving into my wedding planning hurdles, the point I am making is that having (nearly) gone through the process, it’s made me realise some of the implications of having moved around (too) much. Going back to what I said about a trade-off – when you leave the people behind they will realise they are being traded for something else (better?). Even if you left with a heavy heart, your priority was not to stay with these people. So it shouldn’t come as a surprise if relationships with these people, friends or even family, cool down somewhat. I’m speaking from my own experience only, but it’s very hard to remain close to someone you’ve “traded away” (oh gosh how awful that sounds!). Especially if there’s no plan to return. If you recognise yourself from this text, know that you will always have a place in my heart although we’ve taken different paths in life. ❤️ Luckily there are always those few soulmates with whom it always feels like no time has passed at all between our meetings!
I wish I could have had the cake and eat it. But I wanted to see and explore the world (and myself). I want to keep moving, first literally and now figuratively, to grow as a person. It’s not a reflection of you, it’s a reflection of me. Some of the journey I’ll share my path with the people around me now, hopefully a long stretch of it! But at some point the paths are likely to deviate, such is life. But I sure hope that me and my hubby-to-be will walk side by side until the end!
Looking back it’s fair to say that my move to London was like pressing the reset button on my life. Although my life has had different chapters, like anyone’s, I do feel like the book of my life, if it was ever written, would be split into two parts- before and after moving to London. In two weeks my life in London (so far) will culminate in celebrating our marriage with our families and friends – those who we want to hold on to and who wish to hold on to us. I cannot wait!
xoxoxo,
Sini