I knew this would happen. I knew I would get really stressed and anxious about returning to work from maternity leave. Ever since Maia was born I’ve dreaded the day I would have to leave her to go back to work. For almost eleven months now we’ve been together every single day and night, apart from a few hours here and there. My longing for some personal space, or even for sleep, has never been stronger than the want (or need?) to be with Maia. Sometimes I think it’s irrational but actually it does make sense if you think of it as mother’s natural instinct to stay with her child.
I thought it would get easier and some of my mum friends predicted that by the end of my year of maternity leave I’d be happy to be going back to work. They were wrong. I still get almost physical withdrawal symptoms from being away from Maia and the idea of going back to work fills me with anxiety. And when I say I feel anxious, I’m talking about crying in panic at the mere thought and not just “feeling a little nervous”…
If my problem was simply not wanting to be apart from my baby, the solution would be equally simple: to stay at home with Maia. But it’s more complex than that. If I could have her as a baby forever I probably would stay at home, but even in my baby bubble I realise that this time is a special treat which will soon be over and she won’t need me the way she does now. If I’d give up my career to stay at home with her for a couple of years the question looming in the horizon would be “then what?” Not to mention that my career has defined me so long that right after the big life change of becoming a mum and a wife, giving up my career too would most likely lead to a big time identity crisis.
The topic of whether or not to carry on building a career after having a baby is too big for this blog post – I’d probably need the pages of a book for it. And considering the current confusion in my head, it would not benefit the poor reader in any way. So in this post I will take my return to work as a given and will focus on how, not if, to deal with it.
In an ideal world, I would stay at home until Maia starts nursery school at four and would then go back to my career but that’s unfortunately not possible in my profession (investment banking).
The current plan is to return to work full-time in January when Maia will be 13-months old leaving her with a nanny. I intend to start working a couple of days (or half days?) a week in December to get organised and to give Maia and I both a transition period. I still have a couple of months at home left but because my return is approaching, I have had to start planning and preparing for it. This is my mind involves 1) arranging childcare, 2) getting my brain switched on for work and 3) managing the emotional side of the upcoming life change. For ten months I kept my head in the bush and pretended this was never going to happen (maybe even playing with the idea it wouldn’t). Now I’ve spent a month dealing with point number 1) childcare (more about this in the next post), and thank goodness that would seem to be working out.
Let’s put aside the “switching my brain on” for the moment (easier said than done anyway) and focus on the last point – dealing with the emotions. To manage the stress and anxiety I’ve tried to analyse my main concerns related to returning to work and leaving Maia with a nanny. Women do this all the time – how can it feel so damn hard??!!
My top 3 reasons for feeling anxious:
- Maia needs her mum and I should be there for her instead of delegating the task to a nanny.
- I want to be with my baby and not to miss out on Maia’s development and the special early years.
- I’m no longer 100% sure my career path is taking me to the direction I want to go in life. This makes me even more stressed about sacrificing the time with my child for something I’m not even sure is worth it.
After a lot of soul-searching I’ve concluded that my biggest fear is trying to do both, being a mum and having a career, but failing at both, ending up regretting not having simply focused on being the best mum I can be.
Nothing is worse than getting caught up in your desperate thoughts when you are alone at home and can’t see life beyond nappy changing and baby cuddles. As a random act I posted on a Facebook page for London Career Mums and asked for advice on how to deal with the anxiety. The responses made me emotional – never did I expect the amount of support and advice I got from complete strangers!!
This is why I write a blog. Not just to have a platform to vent (although it’s great for that too), but to reach out, to share and to connect with others. No doubt many of my friends, readers and followers have at some point thought that writing publicly about these topics is plain stupid. What if my boss reads my blog? Or my parents? Etc. Maybe I am oversharing and maybe it makes me vulnerable but when I started openly sharing my thoughts and feelings especially about the more sensitive topics in my blog, I quickly realised that I was also opening up to receive support, encouragement and advice. And I’ve made new friends too. I would have never met Maia’s godmother-to-be either, if it wasn’t for my blog and social media!
Not feeling alone is a HUGE thing and a reoccurring theme during the first year of motherhood. Knowing you are not alone in your struggles and that many others have gone/are going /will go through it is oddly reassuring. Before having a baby myself, I’d seen women go on maternity leave and come back but I never gave it much thought because they all seemed to just sort of slip out and slip back into the office without any hassle. Now, as a mum asking for the real stories, the responses I’ve gotten have been more of this sort: “I cried in the office toilet for the first two weeks but then it got better” or “I cried on the tube on the way home because I felt so guilty for having enjoyed my day at work (away from the baby)”. Even when the stories have been less encouraging in terms of how smoothly the return to work has gone, I find comfort in them because they prove that I am not alone with my worries and even if it would be very tough, I will find a way, just as the mums before me have.
I did also get lots of good advice. The common theme in the encouraging messages I received was to give it a try before deciding anything permanent. I think it’s sound advice considering we tend to always fear the unknown! Once I’m back at work I will at least be better informed of what it’s actually like and if it doesn’t work for my family, then I can always quit/find something else to do. One mum gently suggested I was trying to talk myself out of it and tell myself I’m not passionate about my career in finance anymore because I was scared of the challenge and was trying to find an easy way out. It sounds harsh, but she put it really nicely and I wasn’t offended at all – she might even have a point!
Another important point which every working mum has highlighted has been arranging childcare so that I will feel as comfortable as possible to leave Maia. Missing her will be inevitable but I shouldn’t have to worry about her. We have decided on hiring a nanny so that Maia will get one-to-one care in our own home and we will have more flexibility when we work late or travel for business. I think we’ve found the right person and we’ve shaken on it (not yet signed the contract) and now I just really hope we’ve chosen well!
I don’t blame women at work for putting on a brave face and acting professional, not letting it slip that yes it’s actually damn hard to leave your child. No, I salute you. Well done. Although I believe in honesty and talking about the taboos, the same way I didn’t cry to my boss when I broke up with my ex, I don’t intend to cry this time either. Well, maybe in the toilet. 😉
xoxoxo,
Sini
PS. The photos featured have nothing to do with my job. They just happen to be the only recent non-mumsy photos so I thought they’d be appropriate!
PPS. Read about my feelings about my last day of work before maternity leave