I’ve always believed there is a strong link between mental and physical wellbeing but recently it’s really felt like the heart ache and separation anxiety from being apart from my 1-year old daughter had turned into actual, physical pain. And at times it felt quite unbearable…
Last Friday I used all of my energy to peel my head off the pillow in the morning just to feel a horrible shooting pain by my shoulder blade which made me gasp for air. I could have cried out of frustration, stress, fatigue and the pain from my cramping muscle. I wanted to yell to the universe “Just give me a break already! I don’t have time for this sh*t!” (This is not the first time it happened, read more here.)
The last three weeks have been stressful with a lot anxiety and crying – from both Maia and me. I’m not sure who is getting more anxious about the separation, but it hasn’t been easy going back to work after 13-months at home on maternity leave. I haven’t even properly started working yet but the inevitable and drastic life change (in January) is constantly on my mind – together with awful, stomach-turning doubts. Doubts about everything, from my career choice to mothering skills.
In my last post I described how hard I found leaving Maia on my first day back to work when she was sick with a cold. Well the situation deteriorated from there because it turned out to be more than just the common cold. I spent the morning of my second day of work at the doctors with Maia after three days of high fever (over +40 degrees!). She got prescribed her first ever course of antibiotics, poor thing. Before leaving for work I ran to the chemist to fetch them and gave Maia her first dose. It was not fun to leave her but I told myself it’d be just five hours and I would be back home for the rest of the week. But of course I was anxious, worried and distracted at work. Not to mention very, very tired having spent several consecutive nights comforting my coughing, feverish baby.
Our nanny was trying her best but Maia was miserable and refused to eat. Sleeping had regressed too and Maia had been sleeping in our bed again at nights, partly because we had been too exhausted to get up every two hours but partly because my husband and I were so worried about her. He even accidentally woke Maia up once by checking her temperature while she was sleeping. After very stressful and emotional 48-hours Maia finally started improving. I felt exhausted but relieved. And then I got the cold myself. It was like my body had been fighting the virus as long as Maia was poorly so I could look after her, but then gave up when she was better.
A sick child can be so demanding. Maia wanted constant cuddling, frequent nursing and was refusing to sleep on her own. I rarely get sick but attending to a demanding 1-year old 24/7 when all I wanted was to sleep (alone in bed!) and take some flu meds (can’t while breastfeeding). On Saturday night I felt like I reached my limit. I was so tired but couldn’t sleep because of my cough and I just laid awake expecting Maia to wake up any minute again. The idea of another sleepless night and an early morning felt unbearable. I just started crying and couldn’t stop. I felt like there was a huge weight on my chest which I couldn’t lift. We ended up cancelling all social plans for Sunday and my husband was helping out with Maia as much as he could to let me rest. Yet, it felt like Monday came way too soon.
My third day at the office was my last half day before I started doing full (8am-6pm) days. I thought being at home in the morning with the nanny would help everyone with the transition but I’m not sure that was the case. Maia quickly learned that when the nanny comes in the morning it means mummy is going away. So even though I was at home for another four hours, she was being extremely fussy and clingy. Her routine was out the window and she refused to nap in the morning and would just cry for the boob and want nursing and comfort from mummy. Needless to say I felt terrible leaving her at lunch time.
Surprisingly my first full day at work was actually somewhat easier than a half day! It wasn’t an easy day for our nanny but all credit to her, she managed to put Maia down for her two naps and fed her three ok-size meals plus a snack. I missed Maia so badly and ran home after what felt like a super long day. I have one precious hour with her in the evening during which we have a little play and a cuddle before I bathe her and tug her into bed. I went to bed early as well feeling like a train wreck.
I woke up at 5.30am wondering how come I had not heard a peep from the nursery. And sure enough, Maia was still asleep! She woke up at 5.45am which I will count as morning and those almost 11 hours as sleeping through the night!
On Thursday I felt like a new person after the good night’s sleep. I made Maia pancakes for breakfast and we enjoyed some play time in her playroom before she went down for a nap – just like that without any crying! Unbelievable! Later we went to her Monkey Music class and for a walk in the park and had a great day. This was such an important reminder to me as a sleep deprived mum (as well as other parents out there) – it’s not life that sucks, it’s the fatigue that sucks! Everything feels a hundred times worse when you are tired. Suddenly I could see light at the end of the tunnel again. I felt like I might just be able to pull through this after all.
This is the real life however, not a fairytale. Waking up to that muscle spasm on Friday morning was like a cold shower after the surge of optimism and sunshine the day before. I was trying to remind myself of all the good fortune I have in life and how my problems are “first world problems” by reading a heartbreaking article about stillbirths but that just made me sad… It’s not always easy to pull yourself up from an emotional slump! Luckily my husband sensed I was struggling and he came home early so that I could go for a massage (my back was hurting so badly!).
So yes, I do think that in a way all of that emotional stress caused me physical pain. The fatigue compromised my immune system and made me more vulnerable to catch a cold. The anxiety made me physically tense and the co-sleeping and carrying my baby around added to the strain on my back which finally gave up. To feel better I need to fix both, mind and body… With my cold almost gone, I’m already feeling much happier. I’m doing yoga and stretching to help with my back too.
Soon it’s Christmas and we’ll all get a break!
xoxoxo,
Sini