“After a baby, don’t bounce back. Bounce forward.” (Tiffiny Hall, Ted Talk)
Now that I’ve survived my first three months back in investment banking after the 13-month career break also known as the maternity leave, I wanted to share what has helped me get through this rather testing period and how I intend to go forward. I have previously written about the motherhood vs. career dilemma, the anxiety about leaving my child to go to back work and the practical challenges it brings (read: Anxiety about returning to work and Can mothers go back to investment banking), but in this blog post I wanted to focus on how to excel and not just to survive in our careers once we are back at work. I’m not an expert in this topic as I don’t (yet) have a track record of a successful “Career Mama” but I feel like I’ve passed the initial test and am officially “back in the game”. I’ve also spoken to many mums in the industry who definitely have that track record (and who I admire for it) and I’ll share with you the advice they’ve given me. I hope you’ll find this post helpful because, don’t I know it, it can feel so lonely as a woman and a new mother in finance or any other old school (= backwards) male-dominated industry! Women, especially mothers, are still the minority in the finance world and the odds are against us in many ways, but it’s not impossible to be successful in both, motherhood and career. We just need to create our own path and our own opportunities to support whatever it is we want to achieve. But let’s just make one thing clear – we can’t have it all. That’s false advertising by the society which then makes us women feel like a failure when we realise we can’t do it all. But actually, it’s not about having it all. It’s about choosing how to spend the 24 hours in a day, which we all have, in a way that makes us the happiest and the most fulfilled as persons.
I’ve talked about the importance of having a goal and a plan in relation to fitness and how it helps me find motivation to keep exercising. This approach can be applied to anything in life, in my view. So the very first thing to do is to figure out your ultimate goal and source of motivation.Why do you want to have a career? Having a career is different to having a job. A job pays the bills, but a career can potentially give a lot more and that’s also why the time, effort, sweat and tears poured into a career are usually incomparable to what a nine-to-five job requires. The reason why I’m making this distinction is that in my understanding and experience, it’s much harder to find a good balance when combining a career and motherhood simply because of the tougher demands of a career. For example, there is no such thing as a “part-time career”. I don’t mean to offend anyone. Being a stay-at-home mum is hard. Being a working mum is hard. And being a career mum is hard. Life is hard! But working hard isn’t a bad thing when you’re working for something which gives you great joy/satisfaction/ fulfilment/anything which to you is worth it. So figure that out first (easier said than done, but this is very important). And don’t feel like have to say that you want to have a career to provide for your children and to create a good life for them. I’m sure this applies to all of us parents, but it’s ok to have ambitions beyond that! We are mothers, but that’s not all. Remember who you were before motherhood took over. 🙂
I’m in a fortunate position that I don’t have the financial pressure to work because my husband could and would take care of us (although a two income-household is of course more financially sound). So I’m not even going to pretend that I went back to my career just because of my daughter. I went back to my career primarily for me (after making sure Maia gets the best care possible). Because I needed to feel like I’m learning and developing professionally. I wanted to be intellectually challenged, financially independent, and to contribute and to make a difference (outside the home!). I went back to work while I still had a job because I was terrified of the idea of staying at home without a career to go back to the day Maia starts school (3.5 years from now) and no longer needs me as much. I also think that it’s important to show my daughter what women are capable of (outside the home) and to be a good role model for her. Not forgetting that it’s in my daughter’s best interest that her mum is happy. Also, I really hate cooking and staying at home with kid/s means spending a lot of time in the kitchen… I was told by a family member (not my husband) once that I “have to learn to cook”. I didn’t say this aloud to be polite, but the reality is that no, I don’t have to. This is the 21st century. I have a Master’s degree and a six-figure salary which I’ve worked hard for, doing something I enjoy more than cooking. So no, I’m not going to feel like a failure just because I’m not the domestic goddess I’m expected to be. Plus, my husband is an excellent cook.
Side note: If you’ve been following my blog/social media for a while, you’ll know that I’ve had doubts about the specific career path I’m on at the moment. I’ve also had concerns about the difficulty of combining it with my family life (business travel etc). I still have these concerns and I am actively thinking about options and exploring opportunities. If it would have been possible to stay at home for two years and still return to my career, that’s what I would have done, but unfortunately that wasn’t an option (I was already pushing my luck by taking 13-months off). In the meantime though, I’m doing the very best I can in my current job, because that’s me. If I can’t do it well, why do it at all?
In case you haven’t worked in my industry and you are wondering whether the stories are true about what it’s like to work in a male-dominated, cut-throat environment, here are a few example situation which are very telling:
- I was in a pub with my male boss and colleagues for a casual pint (or diet coke in my case) after work when the conversation somehow turned into a vote on “which of the two female MDs (Managing Director) in our department would you rather sleep with?” I wasn’t discriminated against being the only woman present, but instead I was also asked… Pretty disgusting don’t you think?
- I was recently on a roadshow with my client, meeting with a number of important investors (all men) in London. After one of the meetings, the investor sent me an email commenting on the poor state of my manicure. I understood it was an awkward chat-up line, but this only made it worse in my mind. I’m still fuming inside thinking about this!
- And yes, I was dismissed for a promotion I was due because of my maternity leave (which I would struggle to prove but which nonetheless happened).
It’s shocking, I know.
Moving on. After I had set my goal (to get promoted by the end of the year), I needed a plan. Just like in fitness, a good plan is everything. Especially the first months back at work are emotional, tiring and outright overwhelming. I needed a concrete plan which would help me get through the tough days (or weeks or even months) by making sure I was doing the right things and getting closer to my end goal. After all, to cope with the separation from my child, I need to feel that I’m doing something worthwhile. My plan to come up with a plan was the following:
- Grit your teeth, go back to work and stick with it for at least three months. Setting myself a deadline helped me to just get on with it without questioning on a daily basis whether what I’m doing is the right thing. Before I’ll make any big decisions about my career, I want to have a clear picture of the current situation: the work-life balance and career progression prospects
- Talk openly with your bosses. Since the alternative was to quit, I had nothing to lose with laying it all out there. By “all” I mean my frustration about having been overlooked for promotion and my concern about there being mismatch between my professional ambitions and my career prospects in the bank. After making sure our interests are aligned, we created an action plan together
- Talk to other mothers to learn from their experiences. I don’t have to reinvent the wheel. There are many inspirational women out there to learn from. I also asked HR to be included in the mentoring programme and I’m meeting my mentor tomorrow for the first time. She’s a mother of two and a director in my bank so I’m very excited to speak with her.
Having done all of the above, I now have a goal for 2019 and a plan how to get there!
Finally, I promised to share some good advice I’ve received from successful mothers working in finance:
- Perception is very important. Internal and external networking is super important for career progression, finding opportunities and supporters. Raising your professional profile and visibility is crucial
- Speak up and reach out to show interest to learn and develop. No need to be boring though, it’s ok to chat to your seniors about non-work related topics as well. They are only people and don’t want to have to twist their brain every time you approach their desk
- Position yourself at your level, whatever it may be, in your team/department. You may have been on maternity leave but your knowledge and experience have not disappeared. Take your space and defend your position from the hungry juniors
- Take every opportunity offered, even if you don’t feel ready. It’s always better to try and not excel than not to try at all. You rarely get a second chance – people will remember you turned down an opportunity and are less likely to ask again
- Don’t apologise for leaving early to attend to your child. You’ve worked hard all day, most likely harder and more efficiently than those who don’t have a “time constraint”. When it’s time for you to go, get up calmly and confidently, and walk out with your head held high. You are not sneaking out early, you are leaving because you’re done for the day
- Don’t compete with hours worked, you will lose. What counts is the quality of the work. Focus on what is the most valuable to the bank, i.e. whatever has the impact on the bottom line
- Don’t ask for less hours or part-time work unless you want to risk killing your career prospects. Instead, create your own “part-time” work and reducing your workload by cutting slack, finding inefficiencies and delegating
- Don’t mention the baby/child too frequently in relation absence from work. Sadly, it’s still more accepted to go for drinks with a colleague after work than rushing back for bath time. Nobody is suggesting to lie, but toning down the baby chat will help with the perception (of being more than a mum)
- Don’t complain all the time. When the time and place are right, make a point and raise concerns. Don’t be a pushover but don’t be a whiner either.
Good luck, we can do this!!
xoxoxo,
Sini