So you’ve made one of the biggest life changing decisions to start a family. Bursting of excitement you can barely stop yourself from buying baby clothes and planning the décor of the nursery. Your love life gets a nice boost and he becomes the precious “rain maker”. It’s all very pink and lovely <3
But what if nothing happens…?
“Babe don’t get your hopes up… I don’t want to peel you off the floor once a month”
Being in my thirties means that many people in my life have already started families. As you know I haven’t got any first hand experience yet but I have seen my friends face tough situations such as fertility issues, pregnancy complications and miscarriages. I know the statistics, and while most people conceive within the first three months it’s not uncommon to have to wait a bit longer…
Why then do I feel so devastated that we didn’t succeed on the first try!? It doesn’t make any sense, yet I can’t help it. I’ve got so many things in my life to be happy and grateful about but the minute something doesn’t go the way I planned I just crumble – how embarrassing. Then again, my life tends to be an emotional rollercoaster just because of the way I am (let’s call me “passionate” for the lack of a better word). Perhaps this was no surprise to anybody who knows me. Plus the hormones, they must be doing something!
The last four weeks have been pretty strange. First two were great – filled with love and excitement. On the third I was frankly way too busy at work to even think about the whole thing. When I did, I felt hopeful and tried to read any early pregnancy signs on my body. I even cut back coffee dammit!
But the fourth week…the countdown to whether or not I’d get my period was simply tormenting! And that’s when those nightmares started, as a reaction to the heightened stress level. Impatient as I am, I did a test four days early. My symptoms pointed clearly to either pregnancy or PMS (lol). Test was negative and what followed was a sleepless night and a stress induced cold sore on my lip (good morning gremlin – brilliant). By the time my period finally started, one day late (insert here another negative test), I was exhausted and miserable.
It would be convenient if we could just press pause on life at times like this. But no. You get up every morning, put on your make up and a smile and get to work. If there ever is a thing you shouldn’t share with your boss (and there are many), this would be it. It’s hard to keep smiling though, when your dreams are dripping into your pants.
Maybe you think “oh get a grip” or “what’s with the drama” and trust me, I’ve thought the same. I can only hope this will get easier in the coming months and maybe we even get lucky soon.
Physically this week was draining. Lack of sleep left me barely functioning and since I was still working as usual, I ditched gym and literally ate anything I could manage to get down. I gave myself a break. I also called my sister and cried.
But then the time comes to regroup. Sleeping in on Saturday and preparing a healthy, delicious breakfast was a good start. Tidying up our home was helpful too, as if rearranging the wardrobe somehow sorted more issues than just the bundles of t-shirts and sweaters. 🙂
And yes, I went back to the gym. It felt like reclaiming my body. After smashing a HIIT session I no longer felt angry at my body for letting me down in the baby making business. I’m still strong and able, I can do stuff…
So bring it on! It may be a marathon not a sprint, but who said I can’t do endurance?!
And good things are worth waiting for!
A moment to myself, a moment to breathe…
xoxoxo,
Sini