I feel that pregnancy has made me vulnerable in many ways.
When we fall in love, we take a risk of getting rejected and our feelings hurt. It’s hard to let our guard down and to be vulnerable in front of a new person but equally it’s necessary for love to grow. If things don’t go the way we hoped they would, it can feel painful, but we usually have our former lives to fall back to; a job to go to in the morning, family and friends (usually) unaffected, hobbies etc.
On the contrary, I feel that pregnancy has made me vulnerable in many irreversible ways. Should my relationship fail or should I lose my partner in a tragedy, my life would definitely not be the same. There would be no going back to my former life.
Career and financial security?
Investment banks love thirty something singles – but thirty something single mums? Not so much. My career prospects could already be slightly compromised by my pregnancy, but if I were to become a single mum, doing my job would not be practically even possible. Raising a child alone in London with only my (current) salary would be tough and I would need 12-24 hour childcare to deal with my work hours and business travel. Buying a house on my salary alone would also be impossible and even a family friendly flat would be a stretch, so our living standards would definitely fall.
I could only afford to take four months of maternity leave which is my company’s maternity policy since we could not live in London on just the statutory pay (160£/week). To be honest I cannot even imagine leaving a 4-month old to childcare – that would break my heart!!
Even if I’d magically manage to hold on to my job, would I still be able to enjoy my job and advance in it so that it’d actually be worth it to live in one of the most expensive cities in the world when I’d have nearly no time to even enjoy it?
If I were to lose my job (or had to give it up), would I get into trouble regarding my right to remain in the UK? Would I have strong enough links to my adopted country to stay? Would I still want to stay? If not, where would we go?
Love life?
If my value in the job market would be lower as a single mum, I’m afraid in the dating market that would definitely be the case. How hard would it be to find love again, with a package deal? I’m not saying you can’t, I know people do, all I’m saying is that it’ll never be as easy to date again as it used to be (and it was never easy).
Then there is the physical side of things… My baby’s father adores my pregnant body as it’s growing his precious daughter and I’m (quite) sure he will be appreciative of my future mum body too for the same reason. But what about someone completely new who didn’t get anything out of my metamorphosis – how would he feel about it?
Finally, would I ever even have the luxury to choose a partner for me? Or would he be for us, my daughter and me? Or even just for her?
Safety net?
Losing a partner often also means losing his family and friends from your life, although with a child these relationships are perhaps more likely to remain. But what about your other friends? As a mum, you won’t fully fit in with your single friends because your lives are bound to be very different. Then again, only hanging out with couples or families doesn’t work if you ever would like to meet someone new. Would your old friends still stand by you? What would you talk about?
Conclusion…
It’s scary to become so vulnerable and dependent on someone. Even when that someone is your most loved and trusted person. I would never trade places with men as I think going through pregnancy is the most beautiful and miraculous things I’ve ever experienced. But I can also now better understand why bearing children is one of the key factors contributing to inequality of men and women. I strongly believe in human rights and equal opportunities but I also acknowledge that our roles can be different and this role split can lead to inequality. No matter how independent a woman is, pregnancy is likely to, at least temporarily, erode some of this independence. We become more vulnerable physically, emotionally, financially etc. We need looking after. And I have found this hard to accept, when I’m so used to managing on my own.
Starting a family with someone requires a leap of faith. But at least there is no lose-lose scenario in this bet as the child will be yours forever. 🙂
xoxoxo,
Sini
Getting ready for you baby girl!
