You tell yourself the baby is fine. She is at home, a short taxi ride away, with a close relative. You’ve expressed milk in case she gets hungry and left instructions to call you at any time in case she gets distressed. It’ll only be a few hours and you’ll be back. She will be just fine.
And yet leaving the baby feels like the hardest thing even when it’s your own idea! Emotions definitely have physical implications and I could feel the anxiety from the separation, as if I had lost a limb and was experiencing phantom pain (as far as I can imagine how that’d feel like). As if that wasn’t enough I also felt guilty. I should be with my baby. She might need me and I’m not there. ☹️
On Saturday before last we had the first opportunity since Maia’s birth eight weeks earlier to go out just the two of us. We had been invited to our friends’ engagement party at Shoreditch House (a very cool venue in East London) which would be attended by many of our friends. I had not even thought about going because Maia is way too young to be left with a strange child minder in my view. However it just so happened that Maia’s new cousin was born just a few days earlier and her grandmother was in London to meet the new arrival. With a trusted family member available suddenly we were free to go!
I was really looking forward to the evening as it had been months since I’d been out without the baby and it’d be nice to spend some “adult time” with my fiancé as well. I even bought a new dress, a cute navy blue wrap dress (suitable for nursing). I pumped a lot of milk into the fridge and prepared the bottle in case she’d get hungry. We were planning to be away for about three hours (maximum). I was a bit nervous since our success rate with the bottle had varied but since Maia fed for an hour just before we left I felt comfortable to leave her. Well, sort of comfortable.
As expected, the event was really nice and it was lovely to see everyone, especially the happy engaged couple! I do have to say I’m enjoying this phase of our lives very much with everyone getting engaged and married and having children – so lovely!
After an hour I checked in with grandma to hear how it was going back home. Maia had been crying after we left (oh no…) but had eventually fallen asleep and was ok. Meanwhile I was trying to not talk only about my baby and not to get started with showing her pictures! I didn’t want to be that girl… But I was that girl. I am that girl. My baby is the centre of my world at the moment and I can only hope that our friends could understand (we were the only parents at the party).
After two hours I was getting more and more restless. Grandma reported that Maia had woken up and that she was going to offer the bottle. I really hoped Maia wouldn’t refuse it! I later learned that she had drank about 50ml from the bottle (not without a fight) so at least she didn’t go hungry.
I missed Maia so much already. I imagined her warm little body pressed against mine and her chubby cheek against my chest. What was I doing being away from her?!
Overall, I did enjoy the evening and it was a good first step of taking some baby-free time. It was lovely to spend that time with my partner too, just as Sini and Oli instead of mum and dad. I’m so lucky to call this handsome, amazing man my fiancé and so lucky to have a child with him.❤️ We shouldn’t forget to cherish our relationship and put some effort into it even during this baby year (easier said than done…).
By 10.30pm I was ready to go home. I was feeling very anxious. Unfortunately I did get back to a crying baby. She had just started crying but still it broke my heart! I felt terrible for leaving her and couldn’t get enough of hugging and kissing her. It took me awhile to calm her down but eventually she fell asleep and slept well.
On Sunday I didn’t want to go to the gym although the weekend is my only chance to do it alone. I didn’t want to leave her again. I realise I wasn’t acting rationally but I’m not ashamed to admit it was hard for me too to be separated from my baby. For nine months I carried her in my belly and for two months I’ve been with her 24/7.
