Last week I had an pelvic ultrasound scan. No, I’m not pregnant nor would I want to be at the moment. I had different reasons for this examination but nevertheless it felt strange to have a scan when there was no one there!
Two years ago I went to see a gynaecologist because I was worried about not having had a period for over six months. We were not trying for a baby at the time but I wanted to make sure that everything was ok so that when we would eventually feel ready for a baby there wouldn’t be any unpleasant surprises. I’d been on the pill for years but was used to having my monthlies (which I now know are “fake” while on the pill) and found it worrying that I suddenly wasn’t, although otherwise I was feeling normal.
I was referred to an ultrasound scan. One morning a few days later I got a call from my GP. I was at work and stepped outside the office to take the call. The GP said that the scan had revealed multiple cysts in my ovaries and she concluded I had the Polycystic Ovaries Syndrome (PCOS). I had never heard of it and didn’t know what it meant. The call was brief and in my confusion I asked no questions. After the call I Googled the term PCOS and was shocked to read that it could impact my fertility! Strangely enough the symptoms included for example obesity, acne and excess body hair which I clearly did not have – my only symptoms were the cysts and no period. PCOS didn’t sound like something I had but how could I challenge a trained doctor based on my five-minute Googling?
I felt confused and worried and so I booked another appointment with the GP to discuss the results. I remember how nervous I was when I was called in. I could barely whisper the question “will I not be able to have children?” before bursting into tears. The GP was kind and sympathetic. She said there was no way of knowing whether I would struggle to conceive before we actually tried but that I should not worry as there are many treatments to help in case there was a problem. I found no comfort in her words. Fear had set in.
In my head I foresaw endless rounds of fertility treatment and repeated disappointments, wasted money and tension building up in my relationship which would finally end up with my partner leaving me for a younger, more fertile girl. Yes I know, this sounds ridiculous even to me now! It’s hard to explain the panic, worry and sadness that filled my mind though. We of course discussed the situation at home and to my partner’s credit I must say he was as loving and as supportive as ever (“we can adopt if all else fails!”). Yet I was convinced he was secretly wondering whether the time invested in me and our relationship had been a waste since I knew he wanted a family.
As time passed, I was able to calm down a bit and life continued as usual. I even got my cycle back, irregular but still. However, the fear of perhaps never becoming a mum would not go away. The topic of a baby arose every now and then and about half a year later we decided to give it a go. We’d take the bull by the horns and give nature the chance to take its course. If indeed we’d struggle to conceive, we’d rather know sooner than later so that we could get the help we needed. I was already 31 years old after all, and although that’s by no means old, we didn’t want to leave it too late.
That’s when this blog was born (although I didn’t publish it until June last year). If you’ve been reading my earlier posts you’ll know that we got naturally pregnant with our daughter after five months of trying and she was born last December. <3 During my pregnancy I had two routine scans at the UCLH. I mentioned to the sonographer how worried I’d been about my fertility and how relieved I was to have fallen pregnant. I remember her looking surprised and she said she doubted the PCOS diagnosis. I didn’t have most of the symptoms associated with PCOS (which I already knew from Googling) and apparently it’s perfectly normal to have small cysts which come and go on their own, especially when on hormonal contraception. Irregular period could have well been due to my intense training and low body fat percentage. She said I would be better off getting myself re-examined post pregnancy and before going on the pill again to see how my body looked like in its natural state.
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry but since I was happily pregnant I decided to focus on that and figure this out later. After all, I was going to be a mum and I was going I have a baby, that’s all that mattered.
“Later” was two weeks ago. I was thrilled to have become a mum but I wanted clarity. One day we might want to try for another child and I still didn’t know what went on in my body. So I had a pelvic ultrasound and it was perfectly normal. Obviously that was great news but I couldn’t help but to feel a bit angry too. All that worry and stress for nothing!! Why would they scare me like that??
I could dwell on this “injustice” but instead I’ll just focus on the fact that we were blessed with a healthy daughter and as far as the doctors can tell (although I’m not sure how much I trust them after this experience) there should be no apparent reason why Maia could not have little brother or sister one day.
Some real life drama to keep things interesting, eh?! 😃
Now let’s go back to boring please.
xoxoxo,
Sini