Despite my best efforts to look after myself so that I can look after my baby, I have to admit a failure. 😞 A few days ago, after ten days of poor sleeping in awkward positions with Maia in my bed most of the time, feeding on-the-go in non-ergonomic positions while travelling, and carrying around my suddenly very high maintenance 12lb baby were literally enough to break this mummy’s back. More specifically, they led to an abrupt and painful muscle spasm by my left shoulder blade crippling me for good 24 hours…
The night had been a bad one again. I got up every few hours until I was so tired I let her stay in my bed. In the morning I picked Maia up when I felt a shooting pain in my upper back – everything up to the top of my neck cramped painfully. I quickly lowered Maia back on the bed but the damage was done. I could barely turn my head and trying to get up got tears into my eyes. Maia started crying but I couldn’t pick her up. I tried to stroke her to calm her down but she couldn’t understand what was going on. I felt terrible, physically and emotionally. She needed me but I couldn’t do anything. Against all reason I felt like I’d failed. My head was full of “should have’s”.
I should have used the breastfeeding pillow. I should have fed her sitting up properly on the armchair which we have for that specific purpose. I should have been diligent and kept on putting her back to her bed instead of letting her sleep with me. I should have used the pram instead of the baby carrier last week.
I called out to Maia’s dad sobbing that I had hurt my back and needed help. He looked after Maia while I tried every home remedy I knew to ease the pain and relax the muscles: paracetamol (breastfeeding friendly medicinal pain relief), sports drinks for electrolytes in case I was dehydrated, gentle rubbing and stretching (I say gentle but everything hurt!), hot shower, lying down with a hot water bottle on my back… And the obvious; no baby lifting. I don’t know how I would have managed without Maia’s dad. This experience makes me realise how alone we are in a way, not having family or close friends (with children) nearby to call in emergencies. But we have each other of course and like he said “this is why Maia has two parents”.
What followed was bed rest for me and a first full day of “Daddy Daycare” for Maia. Her dad was an absolute hero, only bringing her to me for feeding. Needless to mention that this time I sat on the feeding chair properly propped up with pillows and thankfully Maia knew better than to wiggle and fed nicely. He did very well looking after her. He even tried giving the bottle again for the first time in a long time (read about our attempts to introduce the bottle in Bottle feeding – get out of jail card?). She didn’t really take any milk but didn’t scream either so good try overall. It wasn’t an enjoyable day for me because of the pain but the rest was more than welcome.
Now that I’m feeling better I feel a bit silly for having gotten so emotional and upset but I guess I take being able to take care of Maia on my own very seriously. It’s scary to feel so helpless and not to be able to look after my child. She’s my number one priority and my most important job.
Wallowing in self-pity is obviously not helpful. If there’s something I’ve learned from this experience is that I can’t prioritise Maia over my own wellbeing because in long-term it will be harmful for the both of us. I have to stay in good enough form to care for her. It sounds so obvious but in practice it’s actually hard to live by… But lesson learned!
Don’t do as I did. Look after yourselves. You’re the most important person to your baby and literally his/her lifeline.
xoxoxo,
Sini