If you follow me on Instagram you’ll know that for the past week I’ve been complaining about Maia’s teething and sleep regression and my own sleep deprivation. I’ve whined a lot, I know (sorry!). I also feel somehow embarrassed because my 9-month old girl is still not sleeping through the night and surely that’s because of something I’ve done wrong as her mother. This is silly, I know. Self-settling and sleeping through the night are developmental milestones which babies reach when they are ready. Comparison is the thief of joy and every baby is unique. I just wished my baby would be unique in a sleepy way!
Sleep really dictates everything – most importantly the health and happiness (and sanity!) of both myself and my little Maia. How the day will be like is decided on the night before. Even with the best attitude it’s hard to keep smiling when you feel hangover from the lack of sleep. I’ve been feeling quite nauseous recently, to the point that I took a pregnancy test. The test was negative, as expected, but the “morning sickness” remains. My guess is that it’s sleep deprivation induced, but may have to check that with my doctor… I’ve always needed a lot (minimum 7h) of sleep and it gets physically and mentally very tough for me to enjoy life, or even to survive it, if I can’t sleep. If I’m too tired I can’t do my exercises either which has a negative impact on my mood. When I’m sleep deprived also my diet suffers and although it’s when I’d need proper nourishment the most, I resort to coffee and chocolate. And it all kind of spirals down from there…
Now I have to say that overall we’ve been quite fortunate with Maia’s sleeping. After a very tough first month during which Maia would only sleep with me, she started sleeping in her own bed and after three months she was sleeping longer stretches than the initial 1-2h. We’ve gone through periods of sleep regression but the “norm” since Maia was about 5-months old, has been: 7.30pm bedtime, resettle her once, 11pm dream-feed, ~4am night feed, ~5am move Maia to our bed to snooze with mummy for another hour or two before getting up. And this has been enough for me to function and even enjoy life even though I haven’t slept a full night in ten months (I suffered from insomnia in late pregnancy). But recently we’ve been up as frequently as every hour which has been an absolute killer! It has to be the teething…
I nurse Maia to sleep and I’ve heard all about how this is a bad approach and that now she’ll have developed a strong association between boob and falling asleep. This is bound to create problems when I try to wean her off the boob or would like to have her sleep through the night. While I recognise the cons of nursing to sleep there are undeniable pros to do so. When I’m being told “oh but she’s just comfort feeding” my first reaction is “why is that a bad thing??”. Comforting my baby, making her feel safe and loved is what I want to be doing, even if it’s an inconvenience to me.
For transparency I must add that nursing Maia to sleep was for a very long time virtually the only way we could get any sleep. We tried everything and either we lacked the energy (oh the irony!) or the skills but Maia did not learn to self-settle. But to be honest, I don’t fully support the “sleep training” approach, especially not what is called the “controlled crying”. I have read Gina Ford’s (Content Little Baby) book and while I agree on the importance of routine, I would not try to impose a routine on a newborn baby and most definitely am not going to restrict the amount of breastfeeding and cuddles. I have been feeding Maia on demand since she was born and let her slowly get into the routine which we follow now, which has been dictated by her (observed) need for sleep. So for example, we dropped the third nap when she seemed to no longer need it, not when she was supposed to no longer need it.
But Maia is getting older and she is starting to want things she doesn’t actually need. And when responding to her never-ending desires is causing my own wellbeing to suffer, I have started to question my approach… I won’t be breastfeeding forever and one day we’ll need new tools in the box. Nursing to sleep also means Maia will always need mummy to be there for bedtime and yes, it is inconvenient. Also, on some nights nursing to sleep simply doesn’t work! What do you do when both boobs are drained and you are exhausted and the baby just keeps screaming? Doubt yourself. At least I do.
I have also read about more gentle ways to sleep train and we haven’t been completely hopeless. We have a routine which starts 6pm after tea: bath, change into her pyjama and sleep bag, lullabies from Ewan the sleep sheep, milk feed, sleep. Maia will fall asleep on the boob and I put her into her cot, which is what I’m doing “wrong” because she needs me to fall asleep instead of drifting off independently in her cot after the feed. My husband can (and does) also resettle Maia, without the boob obviously. He will sing to her and rock her or walk around with her until she falls asleep. But this is wrong again – she is still drifting off assisted. During the day I either do the same (minus the bath) or Maia naps in her buggy. In the buggy she often cries at first and fights sleep, but she falls asleep when I talk/sing/shhhh to her. Allegedly the problem with always assisting the baby to sleep is that when she inevitably stirs during the night she’s unable to resettle herself and needs the parents. So forget about sleeping through…
I do think sleep training in some form and at some point is effective and helpful. But when? And how?
In my view the main problem with sleep training is that by the time parents resort to it, it’s too late in the sense that they are simply too tired to do it. It’s tough! I’ve tried the more gentle approach a few times but I know my failure was caused by inconsistency. I’ve been too tired to actually go through the process and have resorted to the old ways which I know work well enough to bridge me over the worst exhaustion.
I don’t want to think I’ve failed. I’ve tried my best and I’ve found ways to survive and even thrive during my baby’s first year. That’s really all we can do. Some babies sleep, some don’t, regardless of what their parents do or don’t do. Sometimes sleep training helps, sometimes it doesn’t. What’s certain however is that one day (or night) all children start sleeping through the night in their own beds.
We’ll figure out a way…
xoxoxo,
Sini
PS. Personally I think any kind of sleep training during teething or illness when the baby is in discomfort/pain would be unfair. I’ve also been more flexible when travelling because it’s natural for the baby to feel insecure and unsettled in a strange environment. But then again, my baby isn’t sleeping through the night so who am I to say anything… 🙂