My breastfeeding journey with Maia has been an emotional one. After a stressful start we both became pros and overall it’s really been amazing. So amazing in fact, that the thought of stopping makes me sad. I like to think that breastfeeding is a transition phase between the mother and child living in a symbiosis during pregnancy and finally the child being physically independent from the mother after weaning from the breast. Sometimes when I’ve laid in the bath tub with Maia’s little naked body curled up against me, latched onto my boob, I’ve felt like we were as close as we were when she was still in my tummy. It’s such a beautiful and special feeling.
I breastfed Maia on my wedding day, something I had really dreaded in advance. I guess I had not wanted to be a mum on that day, just a bride. What a silly thought. Breastfeeding my 7-month old daughter didn’t take away from my day at all! (I should note that I was teetotal already before falling pregnant). Instead, amidst all the excitement, it was lovely to take those little breaks to have some quiet time with my little one. I truly believe that the strong bond I have with Maia is partly thanks to the on-demand breastfeeding. I exclusively breastfed her for six months and continued after introducing solids. She never accepted the bottle but from 8-months onwards she has been having water or milk from a sippy cup as well. When Maia has been ill or teething, breastfeeding has given great relief – it’s given Maia comfort, love, important antibodies, fluids and nutrition. It’s made me so happy and proud to be able to give her that. Maia is almost 14-months old now and eats normal food very well and drinks organic full fat cow’s milk, but she is still keen to have her “boobie time”. In December I returned to work from maternity leave and we both went through a period of separation anxiety. Being able to reconnect and bond over nursing before and after work has been important for us. Mummy and baby 1-on-1 special time.
I think the saying “too much of a good thing” applies to breastfeeding. It’s very nice to breastfeed a couple of times a day and have that special time with your baby. But when Maia was little, she was on the boob for hours!! 4-5 hours per day was the norm for her, as it is for many newborn babies. I often felt like I had no personal space (Maia was also sleeping on me) and that I was stuck on the sofa all day long. It made me feel a bit claustrophobic! Also knowing that she relied on me 100% for food was daunting at first. I could never leave her for more than two hours which felt very restricting. Not that I would have wanted to leave her anyway, but just knowing I couldn’t was hard, until I eventually got used to it. Even during my hendo in June, my fiance brought Maia to me to breastfeed her at the restaurant before Maia’s bedtime!
Once we introduced solids at six months, I realised how easy breastfeeding had been in comparison – no prep, no clean up, no food stains on clothes!! I have never had an issue to breastfeed in public – if Maia needed a feed, I would feed her when and where ever. It was very convenient at least until she grew old enough to start getting distracted (yes, I have involuntarily flashed my nipples in public because of her wiggling and pulling off the boob but oh well…). On-the-go breastfeeding was great especially when when we were travelling last summer. I didn’t have to worry about sterilising bottles or pumping or finding the right kind of food for her. Maia would also stay calm on boob – her safe place – for example on the airplane during take-off and landing (suckling helps with ears too).
After the summer we faced new challenges… Suddenly she seemed much less like a baby and more like a little girl – becoming mobile and learning to stand up in particular made her less baby-like. When she wanted boob she would simply come to me and lift up my top and go for it. This felt weird. I felt like a milk tap. I have always liked bathing with Maia but suddenly she started latching on whenever the boobs were within reach. I don’t mind nursing in the bath but again, it made me feel a bit “used”. This is when I first started thinking about the right timing to stop breastfeeding. With teeth (at 8-months) came also biting, which definitely hasn’t been fun either! But despite the challenges, breastfeeding has given a lot to both of us and has mostly been just as beautiful as I imagined.
I have never known how much milk Maia drinks. When she wanted boob, I would give it to her. This is what I was told to do in the maternity unit when she was born and that’s what I’ve done. I never had the need to know, I just trusted that mother nature would take care of it. Maia was growing steadily and we had no concerns. In hindsight I’m surprised how relaxed about it I’ve been, considering what a control freak I am when it comes to most things!
I nursed Maia to sleep until she was 9- or 10-months old. A big “no-no” I hear you say? Until that age it worked well for us, despite what some parenting books say… Nursing, skin-to-skin with mummy, is very calming for babies and Maia fell asleep relaxed and content, with a belly full of milk. And when nursing to sleep stopped working, it took us only a couple of days and nights of sleep training to break the habit. I’m saying this because one of the biggest lessons learned during my first year as a mum is to trust my instincts and do what I feel is right for my baby and me. And what works! Regardless of what other people – other mums, family members, strangers on the bus – might say or think. I have co-slept, nursed to sleep, never used a bottle or a dummy, didn’t spoon-feed purees to my baby and guess what?! She’s a happy and healthy toddler girl, who eats well and sleeps through the night in her own room.
That being said, if I would leave it to nature, Maia would probably breastfeed until she’s five years old. I know some babies just “go off the boob”, prefer the bottle, or just lose interest after starting to eat solid food. But not our girl… My plan had been to breastfeed until Maia turned one and then gradually stop before returning to work full-time in January. It didn’t quite happen that way but we are not far off now. Gradual weaning is important for both the baby and the mum. I didn’t want to traumatise Maia nor get the mastitis myself from stopping too suddenly. When Maia was 8-months old I stopped offering her the boob during the day to encourage her to eat more food at meal times. It worked really well for a month or so! Often I didn’t nurse at all between 9am and 5pm and Maia ate solid food much better. But then she started getting colds and was teething again and the weaning regressed… The sleep training broke the boob-sleep association but when Maia was feeling poorly she would seek the comfort of nursing during the day. I was still breastfeeding at night once, around 4 am, because she would always wake up then and I figured she was genuinely hungry. When she was sick she wasn’t eating a lot of solid food during the day, and so I didn’t want to limit breastfeeding even though that meant getting up at 4am. Maia has always been a small baby so I’ve been cautious about limiting her chance to breastfeed if I haven’t felt confident that she was eating enough solid food.
December came with Maia’s first birthday and the countdown for my return to work. On the top of my list was to stop breastfeeding during my work hours – i.e. 8am and 6pm. It was hard. To be honest, if I wasn’t going back to a full time job I probably would have waited longer before weaning. We had a lot of tantrums and crying, she was pulling of my top and punching my chest. But Maia was eating ok and drinking formula milk (I didn’t want to pump anymore because I wanted to bring down my supply) from her sippy cup so I knew nursing was “just” a habit. What helped the most was distraction and then offering her other snacks. When Maia would get upset with me, it would help if her dad could take her for a bit to get her mind of the boob. I was still nursing before bath time in the evening, at 4am and in the morning when we woke up.
After the first days back at work I started reconsidering the 4am feed – I was getting very tired and needed more sleep. Maia was eating even better during the day thanks to her nanny who is very experienced with weaning (and a great cook). The nanny was also suggesting that the reason why Maia was still waking up around 4-5am instead of sleeping through until the morning was the boob-habit – she woke up at that time expecting the boob and hence wouldn’t self-settle. So over the Christmas break we decided to night-wean her (sorry Maia, I know it wasn’t very kind!). I needed my husband’s support because I thought it would be the best that he would take over at night until Maia would get used to not nursing at night. Sure enough, after a couple of nights she learnt to go back to sleep with her dad giving a reassuring shhhhh from the door. She did however wake up quite a few times between 4am and 6am, which was tiring for him… I think things would have improved quite quickly if we had not gone away for a week like we did then. During our trip the weaning and sleeping regressed again. It was impossible to sleep train when she was in our hotel room because she was able to see us and wouldn’t give up until we’d come pick her up (which we obviously did). Also I didn’t have the heart to leave her in a strange bed! So during our travels Maia would end up in our bed around 5am and I did nurse. I’m not sure how to stop her anyway when she’s in our bed, she can definitely find the boob even if I’m wearing a t-shirt.
In January I went back to work full time and we needed to get back into our routine. And I’m very happy to report that I have stuck to my decision of no more night feeding (6pm-6am) and Maia’s been fine! Until last night she has been waking up around 5am but goes back to sleep when we shhhh through the baby monitor (works better than going into her room!). And last night she slept through from 7pm until 6.10am, self-settled and slept until 6.45am!!! Yay!! Victory!!!
I still breastfeed a little bit in the morning (after 6am whenever Maia wakes up) and when I come back home from work in the evening. Both moments I truly treasure… Surprisingly my body has coped with it well. It’s like the milk tap is switched off during the day (and night) and it switched on when Maia needs it. That being said I was uncomfortable during the first full days back at work but I didn’t pump and the supply adjusted eventually (ok there was one awkward incident where I ended up hand expressing in the ladies room of my hair salon because my boobs got painfully full!). For the first time in nearly 14-months I don’t need to wear breast pads and I can sleep without wearing a bra – freedom!! It also means I don’t have much milk for Maia but she doesn’t need it, she only nurses for comfort now.
It is my plan to drop the morning feed next in the hope that it will help Maia to start consistently sleeping until at least 6am. It will be hard for both of us to stop breastfeeding but we’ll get used to it. I think it will be good for me to get my body back to myself and have a bit more energy to be able to juggle this new life of balancing work and family. I’m also hoping that I’ll become fertile again and we can start trying for baby number 2!! But before that I want to give Maia (and I) a few more weeks before dropping the last feeds. After all, we both still suffer from being apart during the work week…
It’s so bittersweet, ending breastfeeding!
xoxoxo,
Sini