Can you go back to investment banking after becoming a mother?

I’m going to resist the temptation to blurt out that it’s been “pretty sh*it” going back to my investment banking job from my maternity leave. Not because I don’t want to be honest, but because the thought process that lead to this conclusion was very complex and had to do with a lot of personal stuff. And it hasn’t been all bad. If you just want to know if you can go back to investment banking after becoming a mother, I’d say yes you can. I have. But do you want to? That’s another story… (read on).

We’ve all heard people banging on about work-life balance but before you become a parent (or, dare I say it, a mum), the difference between good and bad balance is whether or not you have time for sauna after the post work spinning class. It’s of course not just banking, most corporate jobs in the City tend to be notorious for the work hours, pressure to perform, stress, competition, business travel etc. I use to find it more manageable because I felt like I was doing something for me, doing something that was getting me closer to where I wanted to get in life (basically to where I am now). And in complete transparency, it wasn’t such a sacrifice to work long hours because no one was waiting for me at the crash pad I called home. Also, my free time was actually mine. I could spend my weekends recovering from work (think complete gym workout with a swim and a sauna and what the heck, maybe even a massage).

Fast forward five years and I run home to battle with a mini toddler who is taking out her frustration and separation anxiety on me by throwing a temper tantrum bad enough to make her vomit yucky milk-goo on me. Difference to scenario 1: huge sacrifice of being separated from my child and not having the time to unwind. Ever.

Imagine waking up x number of times at night because your little bundle of joy is getting molars, then dragging yourself away from this said bundle to the office at sunrise just to hear that the colour scheme in your graph on slide 67 of the deck isn’t satisfactory. Ever since pushing a human out of my body my reaction to such situations has been a genuine “you’ve got to be kidding me?” followed by equally genuine “who the f*** cares?!”

Being reduced from a life-creating-superwoman to just another “yes-sir-corporate-rat” has been… frustrating.

This is not to say important business that require experience and expertise don’t happen at investment banks because they do. In fact, the whole banking system is a rather interesting socioeconomic system with trust in its core. We need to trust and believe in the system for it to work. So we keep telling each other and ourselves that what we do is important, even when it’s not.

Most of us aren’t curing cancer in our day jobs and that’s ok (although it would be great if someone did, obviously!). When this really becomes a problem however, is when you’re unhappy and you start to question “is this worth my sacrifice?” And no one has sacrificed more than a mother.

In my humble opinion, making it work in investment banking as a mother boils down to two things. Firstly, it’s crucial to have your childcare arranged in a way that makes you feel comfortable about leaving your child. I was lucky enough to find a nanny whose childcare abilities I trust more than my own. No one will replace mummy but my daughter is well looked after. ❤️ The sacrifice feels more mine than hers, as it should be. Secondly, you need to be passionate about your career and really want to do it. Because it will be hard. I’m sure you’ve heard of the typical mum-scenario where we have less time to do even more work but still end up overcompensating for the fact that we run back home early to tug our child into bed even if just to work remotely from home burning the midnight oil.

Quitting something because it’s hard is not something I would to. On the contrary, it tends the be things hardest to achieve which really feel worth the effort. But walking away from something that doesn’t have a positive NPV (=net present value, finance terms, #sorrynotsorry) in your life, is only rational.

Evaluating this is the hard part. How can I be sure that it’s not just the hormones from having recently stopped breastfeeding blurring my judgment? Or the miserable weather or the poor night’s sleep which are making me question my life choices? (Oh why didn’t I become a surf instructor on Bondi beach?) Or is the fear of change making me stick to the status quo, no matter how unhappy it’d make me? Or the fear of judgment of family/friends/colleagues/strangers? Or the feminist in me wanting to fight and pave way for all the future generations of female bankers even if that wouldn’t be right by my own family?

I feel like I’ve gone through different stages since I returned to work. It’s actually been pretty much what I expected (read: How to beat the anxiety about returning to work from maternity leave? ) regarding the three key challenges:

1. Worrying about Maia and how’s she’s doing with the nanny
2. Fear of missing out and feeling like I’ve delegated raising my child
3. The actual work-bit (i.e. getting up to speed with work again and reestablishing yourself at the workplace/team).

First days and weeks back at work were pretty overwhelming. Like any big life change, it’s emotional and energy draining. All the emotions from the separation anxiety and mixed feelings about being back at work. After virtually not using my brain for a year coupled with the physical fatigue, I struggled to follow a conversation never mind to say anything clever. I’m sure every working mother has gone through this. Without sharing too many details, my work situation was quite complex as I was returning to a new team, albeit my job is the same. I have felt the pressure to prove myself and to fight for my role in the team when my professional confidence has been at all time low. Sometimes I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle – how could I ever compete with my childless male colleagues who have all the time and energy in the world to pour into the job?? My colleagues who do have families don’t seem to have a problem with being “weekend dads” and so I can’t really relate to them either.

I work in a all-male (and all-British) team which I have to say is making things harder. I haven’t felt supported or understood at my work place during this phase in life which is quite sad. I’m lucky to have a loving and supportive husband but in my experience, there are some things men will never understand (no offence). Yet again, my mum network has been absolutely irreplaceable. I could hardly tell my boss that “I’m a hormonal mess and feeling emotional from stopping breastfeeding and suffering from PMS for the first time in two years” although that was definitely the case a couple of weeks ago and I still don’t know how I pulled through it.

I hinted above that sometimes I have doubts about my passion for the finance industry. I think when we’re in it for years and don’t stop to question what we’re doing, it’s easier. Going away for a year, enjoying the outdoors and spending time with your kid, and then coming back is hard because it makes you really realise how unhealthy this City lifestyle can be, physically and mentally. When I was on maternity leave I sometimes felt like I wasn’t appreciated and my baby continued to demand and demand things but (obviously) never said thank you. I fantasised about being at work doing adult stuff, being productive and valued member of a team. Now I remember that the reality is slightly different. As opposed to having one little person demanding stuff, I might have ten people demanding for things, complaining and forgetting to say thanks. And in some ways it feels worse! We accept that children can be difficult and every smile and every cuddle make it worth it!! At work, it can actually be much harder to get that feeling of gratification/reward/joy, especially on a daily basis… My physical well-being has suffered as well from the long and stressful work hours, sitting at my desk face glued to my three screens for ten hours a day. We don’t take breaks and we eat while working. Especially now that I really have to be on my way home by 6pm I have no time to waste! I can log back in and work remotely after 7pm when Maia has gone to bed but it’s less efficient (slow connection, no access to all files due to security issues etc). Obviously I have no time for exercise during the week, I have barely enough time to sleep.

I am trying to stay positive and really evaluate my situation properly, although in my heart I feel like the current situation is not sustainable. To go back to the three points of concern I mentioned above, what I’m most happy about is that point 1) is no longer a concern – after a difficult start Maia is doing very well! She gets on with her nanny super well and barely makes a fuss when I leave in the morning. She eats well, sleeps through the nights and does all sorts of fun activities with the nanny during the day. When I get home in the evening she greets me so excitedly it makes my heart jump with joy! In all honesty though, she is still acting up a bit with me and isn’t as well behaved with the nanny but I hear this is natural (although not fun!). Her tantrums can be awful – the “terrible twos” at one! Children just don’t understand that since us working mums get so little time with them, we’d really like them to be little angels during that time! 😄

I do feel sad about missing out and I’m so so happy she took her first steps with me! I got a video from her nanny of Maia painting for the first time and I was very proud but also devastated I wasn’t there with her. This is the trade off.

At work, things have improved in the sense that I do feel “switched on” again and I’m proud of myself for having caught up quickly (although I didn’t exactly have a choice – have you heard of the “settling in period”? Me neither). Change is easy for very few of us I dare say, but we do adapt… Our children may be quicker at it but we do get used to the new normal. After two months, I feel like I’m used to this life. But, as of today, I also have to admit I don’t like it and I’m thinking of ways to change it.

I want to finish this rather whingey post on a positive note so I’ll list here some good things about having returned to work:

Feeling productive – I definitely feel like a superwoman. I am exhausted and cry a lot but boy do I get sh*t done!

Feeling accomplished, see above

Learning new things (swim or drown)

Wearing pretty clothes not covered in poo/snot/baby food/etc

Having variety in my life (if not balance)

Lots of social interaction (even if not with the people of my choosing)

Don’t have to listen to crying during the day

I feel like I’m part of the rest of the world as opposed to living in my own world with Maia (I miss that world though)

I don’t have to cook (I hate cooking). Our nanny cooks for Maia and my husband cooks for us.

I’m never bored (I don’t have the luxury)

So it’s not all bad. 🙂

I could carry on and on about this topic but my Eurostar is about to arrive in Paris and I have meetings to attend – work work work!

In my nearly 34 years on this planet I’ve learned that I can do many things but it doesn’t mean that just because I can, I should. I’m confident that I’ll find a way of life which will bring me more happiness than the current situation but I need to work at it. Any advice, get it touch! 😘

xoxoxo,

Sini