Trying for a baby is supposed to be an exciting period in life, filled with love (and sex) and daydreams of a baby bump and newborn cuddles. For me, it’s been a stressful and emotional rollercoaster that tends to bring out the worst in me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all happy and excited until the first Big Fat Negative (BFN). Last time we were trying to conceive (TTC) two years ago I lived with a fear of infertility thanks to a misdiagnosis of PCOS. This time around I know I’m healthy and that my body is perfectly capable of creating beautiful new people, my little daughter being the living evidence. And yet, I have all these ugly feelings again – bump-envy, stress, irrational fears and anxiety…
So I don’t really talk about it. I don’t talk about it in the fear of being judged for being ungrateful. After all, I’m already blessed with so much, I’m fully aware of it! My hearts bleeds for the people who struggle with infertility and I worry that I could offend or hurt those by complaining when I already have a child and have all the chances to have another one too…
And then there are the reasons I want another baby which, I admit, are mostly selfish. Of course I genuinely believe that having a sibling would be great for Maia, but apart from that my reasons could be considered rather selfish. Motherhood has given me more than anything else in life and the idea of expanding my little family which has given me so much joy, makes my heart burst with love. I’m also aching to spend more time with my daughter but so far I’m undecided when it comes to my finance career (do I still want to pursue it or am I ready to give it up or to do something else?) and so the natural interim solution would be another maternity leave. You see why I’d rather not share that…?
Most parents prefer to wait until the 3-month scan to hear that the baby is developing well before sharing the happy news. I get that. The fear of miscarriage or other issues is justified. Trying to conceive and pregnancy (and parenthood) are very personal and private matters. When everything is well it’s amazing but if something goes wrong… I understand majority of people would prefer not to have to talk about it. As far as I understand, there’s very little anyone can say to make a person dealing with infertility or miscarriage or loss of a child feel better. It can be a dark place. 💔
I want to write about TTC and pregnancy because it’s my way of dealing with all the related emotions. Even if I risk ending up writing about infertility or miscarriage. I don’t want to be alone with my feelings about trying to conceive and I also wouldn’t want to be alone with dealing with a loss… The first trimester of pregnancy can be physically and emotionally quite challenging – morning sickness and fatigue coupled with anxiety and fear of miscarrying is a lot to deal with. It’s hard to keep all that bottled up and act normal. It’s also hard not to share the happy and exciting news!! For me writing is an outlet for my feelings without necessarily having to deal with the the well meaning (or not) comments and advice I would get if I’d talk to people about this.
After some self reflection, I think the reason why I get so stressed about trying to conceive is because it’s one of the few things in life which I can’t influence no matter how badly I want it. Hard work and motivation can move mountains when it comes to most things in life, just not when it comes to baby making. Staying healthy and timing unprotected sex well is basically all I can do. And pray.
A good friend of mine reminded me of the power of the right mindset. I know I have a bad habit of overdramatising and stressing over things. Staying calm and positive is so important! Not just when trying for a baby but in our everyday life. This is what I’m currently working on. The good thing about trying for a second baby is that I have my first born to focus on – she always makes me so happy and helps me stay present instead of daydreaming about the future.
The past four months back at work have been quite hard on me. I feel chronically exhausted and stressed about the never ending to-list, work travel and deadlines. I haven’t had enough time to rest or exercise and I haven’t been eating very well either… It’s not surprising then that I keep getting sick with colds. To be honest, I can hear my body scream in disbelief – “another pregnancy?? Are you serious?! I’m barely surviving as it is!!” And she’s got a point. I can’t magic more hours into the day but I have to try to prioritise rest.
My husband has been on a couple of boys’s trips (stag-dos mainly) in the past year and I asked him, somewhat rhetorically, “when is it my turn to get a weekend trip away?” To which he said “Anytime. Maia and I will be fine”. To be honest I never seriously considered going away without Maia. I already miss her during the weekdays when I’m at work, why would I want to leave her on the weekend as well?! But the thought stuck. Maybe I should take the chance to do something for me. Especially if I’d get pregnant soon I wouldn’t get another chance for a long time. I used to love going on active holidays and yoga retreats when I was single. So on a Friday night couple of weeks ago, after having worked until 9pm and feeling rundown and exhausted, I started Googling. And there it was: a weekend getaway in Kent, a yoga retreat in the countryside, one hour on a train from London. Peace and quiet, walks in the nature, vegan food, yoga and meditation. It sounded perfect!
And so here I am. Trying to heal my body and mind with rest, good nutrition and gentle exercise. Repeating the mantra “I am beautiful. I am loved. I live in peace.”
If it’s meant to be, our family will expand again one day. I’ll keep you posted to the extent that my husband feels comfortable (it’s his baby too). ☺️
xoxoxo
Sini