“I birth fearlessly” said the note given to me by my yoga instructor. She told me I don’t need to learn to give birth, my body knows how to do that. This I of course know since it’s already done it once and did an excellent job at it. But my instructor is absolutely correct in saying that I need to focus on preparing and training my mind to cope with labour. In hindsight I understand why I was congratulated for such a “perfect birth”. I pushed twice and Maia was out, tiny but perfect in every way and I didn’t need a single stitch. But before that I had been in excruciating pain for 20 hours (no epidural) and I felt so scared, tired, alone and overwhelmed that I remember the day as the worst experience of my life. Sad… Yet in three months time I am, by choice, about to experience it again. Crazy, right?!
During my first pregnancy I was of course a bit anxious about the big unknown, the labour. This time around, I’m even more scared because I know what’s waiting for me (and I know it could have been much worse). You could even say I’m slightly bitter and angry with the universe – why do we have to go through something as awful as that??!! Stories of empowering and beautiful births make me feel cynical and birth plans of first time mums-to-be make me laugh (inside). I sound like an awful person, I promise you I’m not (!), but the 22-month old memory of giving birth naturally is still too fresh in my mind to think positively. And yet I’m a true believer in the power of the right mindset and positive thinking! So this time, somehow, I will really try to focus on keeping my head in the game when the big day comes.
During my first pregnancy I listened to some hypnobirthing tracks and positive affirmations and did regular pregnancy yoga and breathing exercises. I thought I was prepared but when I was actually in labour I was just in complete shock of the pain and just wanted it to stop – I forgot about the positive affirmations and didn’t even want to breathe. I’ve practiced yoga for years and I’ve improved in the physical practice but I’m still crap at meditation. I think this correlates with my failure to use hypnobirthing techniques in my first labour…
What makes me a bit more positive about the next time I’ll be in labour is that I won’t be as “caught off guard” because I know what to expect and I know I can do it. It’s very different to read from the book or hear someone say “you can do this” than to actually know you can. Now I also know that although staying physically fit helps in labour and post partum, mental preparation is key to making giving birth a positive experience (I’d like to think it is possible, although I’m still not convinced).
So what happened last time?
My first real contractions came on Friday morning (December 1st 2017) and they were regular for an hour but then went away. This happened a few times during the day but I was so used to Braxton Hicks contractions I didn’t realise these were the real thing. At 10pm they became more frequent and no longer went away. I think I did reasonably well for the first 16 hours, although I didn’t have a blink of sleep that night. I had had no pain relief and tried to keep moving and while we were still at home, I tried to relax in the bath. But by 2pm Saturday afternoon (December 2nd 2017) the pain intensified to a level that was like nothing else I’d ever experienced. My positive attitude turned into “I’m going to die” and a few hours later into “I want to die”. Yep. So much for my mental strength… I was so exhausted and stressed out that the midwife recommended I’d change my mind and take the dimorphine injection. I was only 3cm dilated after 16 hours and I wonder if I somehow managed to clench my body so badly it slowed down the process? In my situation I do feel like the injection was the right decision because it made me relax and able to rest and sure enough, only a couple of hours later at 5pm I felt the urge to push and Maia was born soon after.
But I was left feeling like I had no control over anything. I didn’t even get to try the birthing pool because first I was not dilated enough (the midwife said they’d fill it up when I would be 5cm dilated) and after the injection I was not allowed to go in. Moreover, my magical first meeting with my daughter was overshadowed by the awful wave of sickness which I believe was induced by the injection. Also Maia was impacted by it and was drowsy for hours and we only attempted breastfeeding the next day- I fed her my colostrum from a syringe during those first 12 hours.
I would love to stay calm and fearless next time. I’d love to have a clear head when meeting my baby boy and to have him on my chest straight away (rather than having my head in the bucket). To feel empowered and proud of my achievement.
I know there is a lot that could go wrong and that medical interventions may be required and I’d welcome the doctors’ help if there is a real risk to the baby or me. But if physically everything is progressing well, it’s my sincere hope that I could dig deep for that inner strength and stay calm.
Hoping to be strong doesn’t make you strong. We need to train, whether it’s mental or physical strength (or both) we are after. So I’ve hired a personal trainer of sorts, a hypnobirthing teacher, to guide me train my mind. And yes, she is the same lady who instructed that pregnancy yoga class which had such an impact on me. I don’t know if this course will help but at least I’ve done something more to prepare! Apart from the money (lol), I’ve got nothing to lose by trying. And if I end up crying and swearing my way through the labour day again, well then that’s just how I roll! 😅 The main thing is to deliver my baby earth-side safely. If I’ll succeed in not causing myself trauma in the process, great. If not, then I’ll bear my scars knowing I’d do it over and over again for him, just like I’d do it for Maia. ❤️
If all goes to plan, I’ll have my first session next week when I’m 29-weeks pregnant. I’ll be back to report how it went!
Stay strong and fearless mamas! We’ve got this!
xoxoxo,
Sini
PS. Read my first birth story here .