And just like that, it all stopped. The rush, the stress, the pressure – the feeling of drowning I’ve battled since January. There have been so many things I’ve wanted to do this year, so many things I’ve tried to do. But there are only so many things we can do. Right now, my main priority has to be my unborn baby boy, who is not yet ready to join us. My body has responded to the chronic stress and fatigue in the scariest possible way – preparing to birth this child too early.
Today was supposed to be my last full day of work before I would start my leave, first using the remaining days of annual leave and then following on with the maternity leave. But instead today is my third day at home. By last Friday night it was clear I’d come to the end of the road I’d been on, it was no longer an option to carry on. I had tried to balance the constant fatigue and stress with listening to hypnobirthing tracks on my way to work and squeezing in that occasional pregnancy yoga class, but it wasn’t enough to stop the contractions that were getting more frequent and more painful as weeks went on. I’d been Googling “how to stop labour” and searching my hypnobirthing book for a breathing technique to keep the baby in, only to find out there isn’t one. I kept telling myself “Only two more weeks” “Only one more week” and finally “Only three more days” but I didn’t quite make it and despite feeling a bit like a failure, I had to call it. I am 33-weeks pregnant and I needed to stop what I was doing and concentrate on my baby to make sure I have done absolutely everything in my power to bring him to us full term and healthy. It makes me cry to type this. I feel like I’ve tried so hard but I’m scared I’m failing at my most important job.
It’s not the time to despair though! I need to get into my positive and happy bubble of optimism and confidence to make sure this baby will arrive into a happy home and to the arms of a calm mama. ❤️
Naturally the best news of late was that our baby boy is doing well and growing normally. I had another growth scan last week (at 32-weeks of pregnancy) and all measurements were within normal range, only a tiny bit under the average. Heart beat was strong and regular. As at our last scan at 28-weeks, he was still head down and quite low – but not low enough for me to be able to both slouch and breathe haha!
I was very lucky because not only did we have 3D scan equipment in the room but he was also posing perfectly, and I got to see his little face in more detail than ever before!! I had always thought the 3D scan pictures look a bit creepy but I guess it’s different when it’s your own baby. At least now I’m completely obsessed with our pictures and convinced he looks like his dad already! This is my second experience with NHS antenatal care (public healthcare system in the UK) and the University College London Hospital (UCLH) and I have no complaints. How amazing is it to have all of this on offer for free?! Because of Maia’s low birth weight, my second baby has been more closely monitored and I’ve had four free ultrasound scans so far. I will have one more growth scan in four weeks, just after Christmas. My next midwife appointment is next week.
So apart from the anxiety and fear related to a possible premature birth, I have plenty to be happy about! And of course I am. 😊
We had family visiting last weekend and also Maia’s 2nd birthday party (she was so excited, bless her little heart ❤️) which was all very lovely, although I had to skip most activities because the contractions would start again as soon as I’d stand up… The distraction was very welcome though – it’s never good to dwell on things that cause anxiety. All the action came with a price however, and on Sunday evening I got five quite painful contractions during one episode of “Escape to the Chateau” (1h TV programme) – Enough to make me very nervous again and I almost rang the midwife. I woke up a few times that night to a contraction and also dreamt of the baby being born, but by the morning everything had calmed down again. Maybe it’s thanks to my hypnobirthing practice but my dream of giving birth was actually amazing! A calm and beautiful water birth. I was almost disappointed to wake up and to discover that nope, giving birth is still on the to do-list. 😄
On Monday I woke up after 3pm. I had crawled back under the duvet when our nanny came in the morning and took Maia out to the park. I felt a bit disoriented (what day is it? Why am I at home?) and still tired and achy but overall better. I didn’t do much that evening, just played with Maia with her new toys while getting all emotional because it was December 2nd and my baby was officially 2-years old. She was clearly a bit puzzled about both me and her nanny being at home but I’m sure she’ll get used to it soon. I am in the very fortunate situation where we can have help while I’m heavily pregnant and when the new baby arrives. I’m not much fun to Maia at the moment and she’s as energetic as a toddler can be! Being pregnant for the second time has definitely been different, mainly because I already have a child. Her needs always come first and when you add a full time job to that, there’s no time to soak in the pregnancy bubble. Not until now at least. 🙏
Right now I’m concentrating on catching up on sleep but I’m hoping to feel better soon and to be able to prepare for the baby’s arrival and Christmas. I need to go through Maia’s newborn baby clothes and wash and arrange by size those that our boy can wear. I also have a kazillion other things on my to do-list, like chores around the house which I’ve been itching to get done but haven’t gotten around to. I was also supposed to get my British passport application process started… Never mind Christmas shopping and baking. At least shopping I can do even from bed thanks to the age of smart phones and home deliveries!
It still hasn’t fully sunk in that I won’t be going back to work for a long time… One day when I’m feeling better, I will go to the office to pick up my things. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to people, although that might have been a blessing in disguise as I tend to get inappropriately emotional, haha. I never fully fit into the corporate culture I suppose, always being a bit too “much”.
The recent events have made me think about how much of our lives we dedicate to our careers – the time and energy, even health! Most of us need to work for a living and if we can do it by doing something we are passionate about, even better! But I’m starting to think we should never give more than what we feel we get in return… Sacrificing time with family and risking my health aren’t really something that can be compensated for. I’ve always been a hard working and a loyal employee, which I hope has been appreciated, but I’ve also learnt the hard way that in a big corporation, I’m very small and insignificant, and quickly forgotten when gone (as proven by my last maternity leave). The bottom line is to do what you enjoy and what you feel is worth the trade off – whatever that may be. There are always options out there for those who seek them.
No job in the world is worth risking the stability of my pregnancy and so here I am, in the quiet house on a Wednesday afternoon having a cup of tea as my little one is sleeping, feeling optimistic about the future. 💙
xoxoxo,
Sini