During this pandemic induced isolation, I expected to miss the social interaction with people, especially with our extended family and friends – and the separation is indeed painful. What I didn’t expect is that I’d miss personal space. This must be me taking the introversion to the next level! Partly this feeling of course has nothing to do with coronavirus but more with the fact that I’m a mummy to a 12-week old baby boy and a 2-year old toddler girl. But because of the current lockdown, I feel locked into the baby bubble. I do love my baby bubble but I’d also love a little break from it, even if it’s just an hour to myself to meet a friend for coffee, to get my nails done or have a massage. Now the only option is a walk around the block and even then I bring along at least the baby. That’s hardly an escape. Of course I should try to stay positive. I should not spread negativity. But I’ll be the first to admit I’m slightly suffocating in the house right now.
As soon as a negative thought like that pops into my head I try to shake it off. This lockdown is a minor inconvenience to me personally, while many others are in much more challenging situations (especially those experiencing a loss 💔). We stay at home to protect the vulnerable by helping to stop the spread of the virus but I don’t feel like a hero. I’m merely trying not to be the villain. Yet I don’t think it’s wrong to acknowledge our feelings about the highly unusual situation and the change to our daily lives. Also not knowing how long this will last and having to put all plans on hold is sad and anxiety inducing. It’s always so nice to have something to look forward to, an event, a holiday, a date night… Especially on the more difficult days it’s comforting to know something better is coming. Right now the present moment is definitely challenging but there’s nothing (definite) to look forward to and no telling how long this lockdown will last. All events, trips and family gatherings are cancelled for the next couple of months and our 3-week summer holiday abroad in August (including visiting my home country) might not happen either. It breaks my heart that we can’t see family and friends many of whom haven’t even had the chance to meet Noah yet!
So not only am I stuck in the house, I feel stuck in the present. While it’s of course an opportunity to live more carpe diem and learn to embrace the moment, it’s not easy when you can’t choose what to do with that moment (or the choices are limited). Also having a small baby and a toddler and being very, very sleep deprived doesn’t help.
I can’t help but to reflect on the temporarily lost freedom and the way we live and the things we take for granted… And I don’t think I’m the only one. Hopefully something good will come out of this in the end – a permanent change to our way of life perhaps? Ever since I had my first baby two years ago, I’ve been questioning the lifestyle of dedicating so many hours of each day to work and so little to family and friends. The past weeks have made me think of it even more.
I watched the Queen’s speech on Sunday 5th of April and I found comfort in her words. I particularly liked this part:
“I hope in the years to come everyone will be able to take pride in how they responded to this challenge.”
I want to look back and to be able to be proud of how I handled this situation. I try to think of this when I have a wobble. I try to rise above the negative feelings and frustration. I admit it’s work in progress and recently I’ve often just felt like crawling under my duvet to cry myself to sleep. Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise that I don’t get to do that, because of the kids. What has helped though is going out for walks (we are allowed to go out for exercise as long as we respect social distancing) and we have been very lucky with the weather with gorgeous sunshine almost every day! I’m also doing more and more exercise, often with Maia in our garden, and feeling stronger and more energetic really helps to feel better about everything else too. But some days I’m too tired for even that and munching the leftover Easter chocolates and overdosing on coffee appeal to me more. Someone asked me recently what do I do about exercising when I’m very sleep deprived. The answer is simple, I don’t do anything. I personally don’t believe in training while exhausted and I don’t think that would be beneficial at all. A gentle walk around the block for some fresh air and sunshine – sure! But a workout? No thank you.
I said we’ve got nothing to look forward to right now and that’s hard. But that’s obviously not 100% true. I may not have any specific plans in the diary nor do I know when we’ll return to a more normal life but that doesn’t mean better days aren’t coming. Especially with babies nothing stays the same for long and the phrase “this too shall pass” applies to both good and bad. We will sleep again. We will be going to parks and play dates again. We will go on holidays and take the kids swimming in the sea. We will look back and remember this period as a strange yet special time which we spent together in our home as a family (unless we kill each other first haha).
“We should take comfort that while we may have more still to endure, better days will return: we will be with our friends again; we will be with our families again; we will meet again.” The Queen.
xoxoxo,
Sini