Week 9 of lockdown. I have had some very, very low moments in the past two months. I feel embarrassed to even admit it (to the point I almost didn’t publish this post) because apart from the coronavirus and the global pandemic, I’m living the life I always dreamt of. And even in the lockdown I’m so much better off than many others, privileged even. I’ve been beating myself up about feeling down when I have so much to be happy about. But it’s like when I was younger and struggling with anorexia, thinking about the starving children of Africa did not make me feel better, only worse. I really believe in the power of the mind and admire people who can maintain a positive attitude even when things are very tough. Personally I sometimes find it super hard to snap out of the gloominess. I keep telling myself “pull yourself together, get a grip” but it doesn’t really help and I feel guilty. Here I am, in my lovely home with my husband and two adorable children, all healthy and happy and the sun is shining – how dare I feel blue?
Living in lockdown for the past nine weeks definitely added an unprecedented spin on things and it hasn’t quite been the maternity leave I expected. Although I miss the freedom, the people (my extended family in particular), different activities and events, the silver lining has been to have my husband working from home. It’s a luxury for him to see so much of the kids and Maia has been over the moon to see daddy so much. Of all times to experience a lockdown, a paid maternity leave is not the worst and though life at home with a baby and a toddler is exhausting (to be honest), at least I don’t have to worry about homeschooling! Maia misses her grandparents, the other kids and the park, but she’s too young to worry and has continued to be her happy self. Noah obviously hasn’t got a clue and he’s just happy as long as he’s with mummy. The weather has been mostly beautiful too, better than the average April-May in London I’d say. And most importantly, no one in my family has caught that dreaded virus (yet)! So it’s fair to say I am blessed in many ways which is why it’s so embarrassing to be anything but grateful.
Life is never perfect though. It goes without saying that I’m very tired. But I have a 4-month old baby and a 2.5-year old toddler and it’s to be expected! I have help with childcare during the week but I do the heavy lifting, literally and figuratively, when it comes to caring for my baby. I’ve been suffering from quite a few pains and aches, I even strained my hip running up the stairs to a crying baby. Co-sleeping and nursing and carrying Noah are hard on my back and not having the chance to go to a physio/masseuse doesn’t help. Sometimes I feel like my body is falling apart which is not very mood lifting. I remember the feeling from when Maia was a baby. Sleep deprivation is not new to me either as it’s barely been two years from the last round of colic, night feeds, teething etc. I know what it feels like to be chronically sleep deprived and yet I chose again to co-room with my baby and exclusively breastfeed. I know I can manage, I’ve done it before, right? I just keep telling myself “it’ll pass, it’ll get better”.
And yet I started having days when I felt very down. Not just down, but actually downright miserable, with a permanent lump in my throat. I started lashing out to my husband, resenting him for sleeping through the nights and escaping the circus in our house to his bubble of “real world” working from our guest room. On my very low moments I was blaming him for not giving me any attention and for feeling unloved. As a mum I feel like I spend all of my time doing things for my family and it’s easy to feel that it’s not reciprocated when my kids are so young. Of course it’s not that they don’t love me, they are just too little to think about anyone but themselves really. It’s hard to invest in our marriage when we have two very young kids and we are stuck in our house due to the pandemic and aren’t sleeping well (or barely at all in my case) and we definitely need to make more of an effort to keep our relationship happy, but I had an inkling that this (or he) was not the root of the problem after all.
What could it be then? I couldn’t understand what was causing my mood swings so I started writing down my thoughts when I felt sad, depressed or anxious, in the hope of getting to the bottom of it. I’d never had a particularly thick skin but I’d learned to shake things off, but suddenly I just couldn’t. It kept happening. I would cry for the silliest reason. My emotions would range from pure rage to desperation. It was strange because one day I could feel so anxious I struggled to breathe and really believe I don’t matter to anyone in the world, that everyone would be better off if I just disappeared and I’d fantasise about running away. But the next day I would read my notes, blush and feel silly. I wouldn’t or even couldn’t ever leave my little family! They are my everything!
I looked up postpartum depression because after some reflection I thought there must be something wrong with me because on so many accounts I have a beautiful life and no one in their right mind would feel like me. But the description didn’t really fit… I felt like my problem had been the emotional rollercoaster I’d been on rather than a persistent feeling of sadness or depression. I enjoy my children and I love them to bits, even if I do sometimes want to lock myself into the bathroom to take deep breathes (doesn’t every mum though?!).
When I was reading about depression and treatments for it I started to think about the things that make me happy: my family and friends, exercising, the nature and the outdoors, travelling, good food… And I realised that the current lockdown has stripped me off a lot of the things that normally bring me joy. I also came across an article about mental health issues being on the rise thanks to the lockdown. Somehow I felt relieved to read that the loss of freedom, albeit for a very important cause (to keep us safe from the virus), is affecting others too, not just me. I feel like a bird in a gilded cage… And it’s not just the loss of freedom but the constant tragic news and death tolls, the anxiety I feel if anyone gets too close to me in the shop or on the street. This is not normal. No one expected this.
And then there’s the sleep deprivation… I do remember telling my friend when Maia was a baby that “sleep deprivation sucks the life out of you” and it’s true. Sleep is such a fundamental, biological need and without it it’s difficult to cope. I’m not getting proper recovery time and I often feel a bit light headed and weak. This makes everything else feel harder, physically and emotionally. I have less patience with Maia too which makes me feel guilty – it’s not her fault we are not sleeping! We decided to have another baby knowing it would be hard. It’s awful to dread the nights and after four months of broken sleep I can’t really see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know it’s there though and Noah will be old enough for gentle sleep training soon. When I have had a bit more sleep I’m immediately happier, get loads of things done and feel good about it! I might make pancakes for breakfast, water the plants in the garden with Maia, read baby books with Noah, even have a laugh with my husband. So I know everything will be better once I get more sleep. I just need to remember that when I’m really struggling…
I’ve concluded that I’m ok but to avoid actually getting depressed I need to be proactive. Self help is what I need to resort to in this lockdown. There is always something I can do to feel better! I made a list for myself so that I don’t forget:
- Screens away periodically. The month long social media break did me good. Also, don’t read the news too often!
- Fresh air when possible. Gentle walk in the park even when I’m tired can actually help the energy levels
- Do what I can to help my baby sleep but don’t stress if things don’t go to plan – he’s still little. If I’m exhausted and he will only nap with me, I’ll nap with him
- Listen to music! A silly dance with Maia around the kitchen while preparing dinner can be the perfect stress release
- Cry when I need to cry. No bottling up feelings
- Body conditioning- I have to do what I can to help my body take the strain. To move, to stretch, to rest
The baby year is hard. This lockdown is hard. But we’ll get through it. I just need to carry on and stay positive…
xoxoxo,
Sini