2019 was probably one of the most challenging years of my life so far. I returned to my investment banking job after a year off, leaving my daughter in the care of a nanny while I worked hard to re-establish my position in the team, headed by a new boss. I felt like I had to fight my way back “in” but I succeeded and even earned a promotion by the end of the year. All this while being pregnant for the second time. I did it but I have never felt stretched so thin. I knew I was pushing my limits physically and emotionally but I was determined to give it my best shot. My three goals for 2019 were:
- Be the best (working) mum I can be to Maia,
- Get promoted to Vice President,
- Fall pregnant again.
Tick, tick, tick?
I honestly tried my best with Maia but I was not the kind of mum I wanted to be simply because I was not around enough and when I was, I was seriously fatigued. I didn’t even see her every day because of the long working hours and business travel. You might wonder why I didn’t just take the foot off the gas but it was hugely important to me to get the promotion because it somehow made my sacrifice (of leaving my child for 12h+ per day) at least seem a bit more worthwhile. Being separated from my one-year-old was the most excruciatingly painful thing I’ve ever had to experience. I say this knowing that women all around the world do it all the time and many don’t have the luxury of taking a year off in the first place. But this is me. Being apart from my daughter tore my heart into pieces. I was told it would get easier, but it didn’t. But I soldiered on, knowing that I owed it to myself to at least give it a shot and try to carry on with my career. And while doing it, I was also contributing to my family’s financial security, which became increasingly important when I fell pregnant and I knew I’d be off work again soon. This was very important to me, too. I’ve never been financially dependent on anyone during my entire adult life and the idea still doesn’t really appeal to me.
In February 2020, just before the lockdown, I went to our office in Canary Wharf to receive the official letter of promotion. Noah was with me, he was four weeks old. I didn’t really feel triumphant, just tired. I’d done what I’d set out to do, but I had emptied my cup to the last drop.
I’m now 35-years old and what I know and trust about myself is my ability to make whatever I set my mind to happen. But over the years I’ve also learned that reaching goals at all cost is rarely, if ever, a good strategy. We can’t have it all but we do have choices. Little did I know about what was going to happen in 2020 (the global coronavirus pandemic) but I knew that at the end of the year, at the end of my maternity leave, I would have an important choice to make.
The choice was easy and yet it wasn’t. I knew what I didn’t want but I wasn’t sure what I wanted instead. I’d spent five years in university to earn my Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees in finance. I’d left everything behind and moved country to pursue my career in the financial hub of Europe that is London. I’d spent eight years working hard to establish my banking career. And for what? To be a wife and a mum? Am I giving up and bending under the glass ceiling if I put my hand up and say “I’m a mum first”? Am I letting down younger women for whom I should be paving the way? Or am I simply listening to my heart and doing what I want to do and what makes me happy, perhaps for the very first time in my life?
Do I even want to be a full time mum, to walk away from my career and not work? Well no, not exactly. But I know I don’t want to leave my two kids under three and go back to a high-pressure job working 60h+ per week. I love my kids and I (mostly) enjoy being at home with them and in an ideal world I’d just stay with them at home a little longer. I also (mostly) enjoyed my job but balancing work and family while working in my specific role and field was just impossible. A commercial role in an investment bank means you don’t really have work hours (it never stops) and the client is king. So I feared that any attempt to do my job part-time (even if approved, which would be unlikely), would just result in a pay cut but wouldn’t actually reduce my workload… I believe I managed to do a good job even as a full-time working mum (11-12h days as the norm), but that meant outsourcing everything I could at home, and whilst I didn’t miss the domestic work, I didn’t want to outsource childcare to that extent. I don’t want to be a weekend mum.
I know for certain that I would never repeat 2019. I just wouldn’t do it. Besides, I know going back to my job would be even harder this time because receiving a promotion is not just a salary raise, it’s an opportunity (or an expectation really) to step up and take on even more responsibility. All while still living in the global pandemic. And let’s not forget that Brexit will come into force in January, too, throwing god knows what curveballs into our lives. And obviously now I have two kids instead of one! So going back to my job in January 2021 is not an option for me. If nothing else, I’d rather hand in my notice. But maybe it wouldn’t have to come to that…
One thing 2020 is terrible for is making big decisions. We have all been under a lot of strain from the strange and abnormal pandemic life and the way forward is unclear… How will businesses be affected? Will we be able to have childcare next year or will nurseries and schools close again? Will we be able to leave the house?
So if there was a way to buy time, I should go for it. And as it happens, there is!
Finding out about my options was not easy. Something I find very frustrating about the bank I work for is how maternity leavers are cut out from any and all information about what’s going on in the company. It’s completely understandable when it comes to sensitive business-related information, but surely we should be able to access information relevant to our employment, you know, the usual stuff found on the intranet (which I don’t have access to). Anyhow, the lack of access made it difficult to explore the available options discreetly. Possibly because it’s not in the firm’s interest (or is it?!), we are also not informed about policies around flexible working, reduced hours or extended leaves proactively…
What I found the most helpful, once again, was talking to other career women. This is how I came to think of applying for a sabbatical which is an unpaid leave, but which would preserve my employment and some of its benefits. I needed to know about it to be able to ask about it and to apply for it. And guess what??!! My application was approved! ❤️
My maternity leave ends at the end of 2020 and according to the new agreement with my employer, I will be on sabbatical all of 2021 (unless otherwise agreed). I felt so happy and so relieved I could have cried! Maia can continue in her nursery school for the mornings only and I will be there for her drop-offs and pick-ups, which I love to do. And I can enjoy time with my boy and see Noah grow from a baby to a toddler. Be there for his first steps and first words, not having to feel like I’m missing out. ❤️
Time will tell what the next step for me career-wise is but for now my biggest ambition is to enjoy the family I have created with my husband. I don’t feel like I’m giving up on anything or making a big sacrifice. On the contrary I feel like all the hard work over the years is making it possible for me to live this life now and to enjoy my children while they are still little.
xoxoxo,
Sini
Very good blog post Sini and I’m glad SG agreed to your sabbatical. ! One good thing to come out of the pandemic. ! Take advantage of opportunities while they are there x