What if there is no heart beat? What if I’m carrying a dead child? What if we’ll lose her?
Yesterday was not a great day. Yesterday was the first day since the very early weeks of my pregnancy that I’ve really feared for my baby’s life. Why? Because she just went quiet. No kicks, no movement, nothing.
My baby girl is usually very active and by that I mean hourly activity, borderline annoying at times [I will never again complain about her kicks and jabs, no matter how uncomfortable].
I’ve been told it’s very important to learn what’s typical behaviour for my baby and any patterns in her movements because it’s the best indicator of how she’s doing and a way for me to detect any issues. I haven’t really given this a second thought because, as mentioned, I’m used to feeling her most of the time – to the extent I wondered if she’s ever sleeping!
But on Monday she was oddly inactive. First I thought I simply had not been paying attention to her movements because I had a very busy day at work, having been mandated on a new transaction which was announced to the market the same day with execution for the following morning. But when I got home, had my dinner and relaxed on the sofa, the usual post-meal belly dance didn’t take place. I was getting a bit worried at this point. I think I might have felt a small movement when I went to bed and her daddy swears he felt it too, but I was unsure. It was definitely nothing like the usual evening wiggles that keep me from falling asleep.
I was up at 6am on Tuesday morning and at the office shortly after 7am to prepare for the launch of the deal. I rang my GP to book an appointment for the afternoon as I thought (and was told on the phone) they could check the with a fetal Doppler if everything is ok. First available time was at 2.30pm. So I decided to try to focus on work while being tuned in for any belly activity. I even had a pain au chocolat to see if the sugar would wake her up! ( I was also craving for one)
As time was creeping by I was getting more and more nervous, Googling things like “can I accidentally kill my baby with a flu jab?” (I had a flu jab on Monday evening) My fiancé was checking in on me about every thirty minutes, also starting to panic. Luckily the deal launch went very smoothly and by the afternoon work started to slow down so I had no problem popping out to the GP’s clinic.
When I got called in, I could barely hold back my tears (ok, couldn’t) as I started explaining why I was there. The GP was very nice and gave me tissues but that was it really. I would have to go to the hospital as the GP was not trained to use the Doppler and they wouldn’t do scans there.
I was cursing myself for not having my maternity notes nor even the emergency phone numbers I had been given at the hospital. I was standing outside on the street Googling phone numbers to the hospital trying to figure out where I needed to go to. Having spoken to about five different people plus an answering machine twice, a receptionist lady told me to just come to the UCLH EGA wing (where we normally go to) and find the Fetal Medicine Unit/Maternity Assessment Unit. I jumped in a black cab and decided to go home first to pick up my maternity notes and then headed to the hospital. 45-minutes later I was at the hospital where baby’s daddy was already waiting for me, having rushed there from his work.
Finally we found the right hospital unit and we were marked to have come in for “reduced fetal movement”. I had the customary wee in a cup and we were asked to sit down for what felt like hours. I’m not sure how long we really waited for, possibly an hour and half. Due to the nature of the unit they take women in not on first come basis but rather based on the urgency (e.g. labour) – fair enough.
I was getting hungry (like, really?! What an awkward time to get hungry!) and my partner went to ask for the nearest cafe/shop. Believe it or not but the kind nurse at the reception actually gave her own snacks to me! Apparently it was the end of her shift and she thought I’d be in for awhile… There are such good people in the world!
Finally my name was called. I was asked to lie down on a bed and got belted up with sensors around my belly (see top picture). I cannot describe how it felt to lie there while the midwife was trying to find the heart rate. I nearly cried (again) when she found it, this time out of relief. The midwife was not so easily satisfied however. She said I’d need to lie there for about 30-minutes so that we will have a track record of the baby’s heart beat and activity.
So there we lay, listening to the sound of our daughter’s heart beating at 140-something beats per minute. I was asked to keep drinking cold water to wake her up. She still wasn’t doing much but finally I could feel something going on. Another relief. Once the beeping stopped and we called for a nurse but after readjusting the belts, she found the heart beat again. The baby who was meant to be inactive was now wiggling away from the sensors. Oh the irony.
It took an hour or so before the midwife was happy with the result. We could see from the graph the quiet periods where the baby’s heart was beating steadily but no activity was detected. Peaks in the graph meant movement. She told us to continue monitoring her moves and kicks and to come back if they reduce again.
And we were released.
When I got home I had a large bowl of pasta and camped on the sofa with a blanket and cushions and a chocolate pudding. And I cried. All the anxiety, worry and stress over the last 24-hours… Thank god everything was ok.
Today our baby had apparently gotten bored of lying still and was as active as ever! What a little attention seeker!! Got mummy and daddy worried sick!!!
30-weeks pregnant now, 10 more weeks to go until due date!
xoxoxo,
Sini