Warning – a slightly less pink and fluffy post today 🙂
Nine months is a long time. But whoever planned this whole pregnancy process has really thought it through. Not only does the baby need time to develop from almost nothing to a human being but also we need time to grow into parents. Becoming a mum doesn’t happen over night for a reason, I’m starting to believe…
After some soul searching in my twenties, by the time I turned thirty I felt like I had an idea of who I am (and who I wanted to become). My identity has evolved around exploring the world and working on bettering myself through my career and fitness ambitions – and I was pretty happy with that! (Although it does sound slightly self-centred, I know.)
A year ago I finally felt I was ready to take the next step and add motherhood to the equation. I thought becoming a mum would complement the other aspects of me, transform the “fit city girl”-Sini into something more. After all, what job could be more important than being a mum? 🙂
I didn’t realise however that this transition would already start during my pregnancy. It’s always easier to give up something when you get something in return. I guess I simply thought that when the baby comes, that’s when I’ll become a mum and slightly less the career girl I was before. Like an overnight trade-off. Instead, as my bump grows bigger, I feel the old Sini shrinking… before the baby is even here! And that has felt a bit difficult, to be completely honest.
I’ve previously written about how I miss my old workout routine and being able to push my limits. I miss the adrenaline rush and the feeling of “I hit the wall but carried on”. I have gotten used to it though, and have been happy enough to tone down the workouts and even find joy in things like swimming which I didn’t care about before. Whatever is good for my baby!
More recently though, I’ve faced a new challenge – I feel like I’m losing a part of that career girl too. Yes, already now, although I still have at least good two months to fully focus on my work. I refuse to think I’ve partially checked out already and instead I’d like to finish on a high note! My team of course knows I’ll be going on maternity leave soon (in 12 weeks the latest) and we’ve had to prepare for this. But I do feel a bit left out and less included than I used to be. This could just be in my head, but I don’t think I’m being paranoid. It was my own wish to limit unnecessary travelling during third trimester but booking and preparing for meetings and chasing deals I will not be part of feels odd. And sad.
I wouldn’t care if I had my baby in my arms but I don’t. I’m still here, at the office. Hello! Don’t ignore me!
My fiancé’s tried to comfort me saying it’s only natural to have this transition period and indeed, less stress and travelling is good for the baby.
But I couldn’t help but thinking that instead of the fast and furious girl in a suit, I’ve become a big, legging-wearing sloth just sitting around waiting for my baby. How frustrating!!
Ok. Pause here Sini. Reflect before wallowing in self-pity.
So this wasn’t a great week: Work was a bit uninspiring and I couldn’t do my workouts because my back needed rest (it’s been aching from too much walking). In short, I didn’t feel like I accomplished much this week. In the beginning of this post I said I know myself and knowing myself, retrospectively, I’m not even surprised if I’m feeling a bit down. Time for an action plan!
First thing I did was to order some office-appropriate autumn maternity clothes. This might feel a bit superficial, but to me looking more professional makes me feel the part as well. I love my bump and I don’t intend to hide it, but I like the concept of “power dressing” and it’s totally doable during pregnancy as well.
Next up I created the shopping list of baby essentials in my previous post and yesterday we ordered the first big items: the pram and the baby car seat! Check, check!
And finally, I did some wedding research and enquired after a few potential venues for the ceremony and reception.
So many fun things to look forward to – I just need to keep reminding myself of them 🙂
Change, even when wanted, is not always easy. I’ve said I feel like all of my dreams are coming true and yet here I am whining about little things. I could have not written this of course, but I like to be honest. Sometimes you feel a bit down even if everything is fine, that’s life. I like to think this is me growing – and what I’m feeling is just growing pains.
New week tomorrow!
xoxoxo,
Sini
P.s. I just love these super comfortable mama jeans I found in Topshop (photo above)!