Ever since Maia was born, I’ve been thinking about whether I could do it again. I have always wanted multiple children – at least two – but even though I had an uncomplicated labour it was a shock to me how bad the experience was and how much it hurt. And by all accounts I had a “good” birthing experience! (Read about it here: Birth story part 1 and Birth story part 2)
I loved being pregnant and I recovered quickly from giving birth but I can’t forget the actual labour day. And I feel like a wimp for complaining about it when it actually went pretty well. To be honest I’d rather put it behind me and move on but if I’d like another child, I’d have to go through it again. Just the thought makes me sick to my stomach. I know, it’s not a nice thing to say. What I feel like what I’m supposed to be saying is that “the best day of my life was when my baby was born”. Obviously Maia is the best thing in my life, of course, but the labour day was probably the worst.
After comparing notes with other mums, I understood that having given birth naturally (diamorphine for pain but no epidural or any kind of interference) without any complications or even the normal tearing, is lucky. And of course I do feel lucky! But if giving birth was that bad when literally all stars were aligned, what is it like when something goes wrong?!
Before I had Maia I tried to prepare myself for labour the best I could and tried to get informed about it. Yes, I was nervous and a bit anxious but I wasn’t scared (much). I trusted it would be fine in the end, as it turned out to be. But, in my opinion, when it comes to labour, fearing the unknown wasn’t as bad as now fearing the known.
Maia is now nearly five months old and although I don’t want to get pregnant yet (not even possible because I don’t get my period due to nursing), I would like to have another child at one point. But it scares me. What if I won’t get as lucky next time? What if something happens to the baby or me? Or what if it’ll be like last time – hours and hours of worsening pain which ended with one giant pain? Would I want to go through that again?
During the first months of giving birth to Maia I was hysterically afraid of getting pregnant again. Even though I know it’s not even that easy to get pregnant – after all it took five months to get pregnant with Maia. And I’m breastfeeding exclusively which makes it even less likely. I’m calmer now but I do think about it. I’m worried about not being able to enjoy my next pregnancy (God knows I do want more children!) because I’m so afraid of how it ends… I’m embarrassed to talk about it because I was “so lucky” and many mothers had it tougher but I don’t hear them complaining.
Ultimately, I do think Maia was 100% worth it and I’m confident I’d feel the same way about my second child should I be blessed with one. I guess I should just focus on that thought!
But seriously, mums are so hardcore!
xoxoxo,
Sini