Let’s be honest, it was always going to be a sh*t day. Words can’t describe how it felt to walk away from Maia with whom I’ve been every single day and night from the moment she was born. I felt almost physical pain from the separation, something I could not have understood prior to becoming a mum myself (no offence to non-mums). Also, it wasn’t like I could just rewind and walk back into my life before Maia. There is no “going back” in life and this was very apparent on my first day back at the office on Monday last week, after a year’s absence – things change… I have changed too. It was a different girl who left the City a year ago. While change doesn’t have to be negative – and I’m determined to make this a positive one – it can feel hard.
What made the difficult day even harder was that Maia was sick again. She had had cold symptoms (snotty nose, cough, mild fever) for a week and had also cut her seventh tooth. All this had understandably messed up her sleeping routine and eating. It’s always been hard when she has been sick and has wanted to breastfeed non-stop and to sleep on me but when I wouldn’t be with her it’d be more than hard, it’d be impossible. Had she been very ill I would have of course stayed at home with her, but because I knew from experience that her colds can last a couple of weeks, I decided to stick to my plan and go to the office for my first half day. I have arranged to work three half days and three full days in December as a transition period before starting work full time in January.
The dreaded day arrived after a night of virtually no sleep. Maia’s new nanny came in the morning as agreed and I was supposed to spend the morning with her and Maia to explain Maia’s routine and show her around the house. Instead we spent the morning with Maia crying and clinging onto me, refusing to nap except on me and not eating anything, only nursing. There was no point in trying to explain what the routine had once upon the time been… And I had worked so hard to establish a good routine thinking ahead and trying to make this transition easier! Never mind.
It’s always hard for parents when their child is upset but knowing they are a bit unwell too just makes it so much worse. Am I a bad mum if I leave her now?? Our nanny is lovely though and she was super encouraging and told me to just get ready and go, she would handle it. I felt awful leaving Maia crying but I had to go. It would only be for a couple of hours and Maia was at home with a person who I trust (as much as I can a near stranger…).
The picture at the top is flattering. In reality I looked fatigued even with a layer (upon layer) of make up on. In fairness, red eyes and dark circles used to be part of my usual look when working in the City, so maybe they’d just add to my credibility, haha! At least no one made jokes about me having been on a holiday. I wore my favourite work dress, a fitted navy blue pinstripe dress from Karen Millen. I dug out the most comfortable pair of heels I own, but still my feet were killing me after a few hours. It might sound silly, but after a year of the “mum bun and leggings”-look, I had been looking forward to dressing up nicely, even in the rather conservative business wear.
As I left the house I tried not to think of what I was leaving behind and just focus on what lied ahead. I needed to hold it together. Be professional. Despite my concerns about Maia, I was a little excited about returning to work and had I been able to just jump back into the situation I left a year a go I would have been more so. But for various reasons there had been many changes in my department and a number of my old colleagues, including my line manager of four years, had left the bank (leaving a bit of a mess behind). So I’d have a new team to pick up the pieces with. The main reason why I was keen to go back to work on this particular day was that my new boss would be starting on the same day. I wanted to be there to welcome him as part of the old crew. I truly believe that an opportunity lies in every change and I try to stay optimistic about next year! I try to look ahead and get excited about the future because dwelling on the present just makes me more miserable.
Practically speaking my return wasn’t super smooth. Although you might expect that maternity leavers are common in an organisation as big as my bank, it seemed that no one really knew (or had bothered to find out) how to get me set up for business after being away. I took me half an hour even to get into the building. I knew of course that I would need to get my FCA (Financial Conduct Authority) certification back in place and I was expecting some IT issues but I didn’t expect an empty desk with no PC or even a phone… That being said, I do appreciate the team has been understaffed and overworked and it’s a busy time of the year. And at least I got my old desk back which was oddly comforting amongst all of the changes.
While I was catching up with my colleagues, our nanny kept me posted via Whatsapp: Maia had not eaten much and had just nibbled on a toast but at least she had a good, long nap in the pram. Whilst at the office I was actually feeling ok. There was so much to sort out and to catch up on that the afternoon flew by and I didn’t really even get the chance to miss Maia too much. At 5.30pm I left and rushed back. I was literally running down the street (and not because I was late). I’m glad we live close to the City and I don’t have to waste precious time on a long commute.
I got home at 6pm on the dot. I heard Maia crying in the house and my heart sank. I rushed in and squeezed her into my arms. She stopped crying. She was oddly quiet as I held her and pushed her little face against mine. I couldn’t help it but burst into tears. The adrenaline, excitement, stress – all of it just burst out. I shouldn’t cry in front of Maia though, she’d just think something is wrong and would get upset. I almost made our nanny cry too. I had to wipe away the tears, force a smile and dance around with Maia to make her giggle. She was hungry and looking for the boobies so I quickly unzipped my work dress and we sat down to nurse and cuddle. Then we had a bath together and I tugged her into bed. It was 7pm way too soon! The nanny told me they had had a nice afternoon outside but that when they came back home, Maia was looking for me and got upset when I wasn’t there. Imagining this made me cry (again) – my poor baby looking for mummy and I wasn’t there for her!!
Later that night Maia’s temperature rose to +40 degrees. The fever went down with paracetamol but every couple of hours it was up again. As much as I could have used a good night’s sleep, we didn’t sleep. Thankfully I wasn’t due to go back to work until Wednesday for my second half day and I could stay at home with Maia. In any case, after the emotional return to work, I needed the day to cuddle my little girl and to digest it all. We ended up having a pyjama day with lots of cuddling, napping and nursing. It was a tough day because, as much as I had missed her and loved holding her, caring for a sick baby is hard and there’s lots of crying and whingeing involved. I was exhausted, physically and emotionally, and it was only Tuesday.
Knowing it is my choice to go back to my old career isn’t making this easier, only harder. It’s not an easy choice, but it’s still a choice. So of course I’m battling in my head whether it’s the right one. I’m trying to have a long term view and to do what’s right for our family and me as an individual (but in that order). They say we shouldn’t make any big decisions in the first weeks/months back at work after maternity leave but to give it more time. We will need to establish our new normal before I can assess whether it’ll work for our family.
I’ll keep you posted on how I get on!
xoxoxo,
Sini