May 25th 2019.
I survived (and enjoyed!) the huge life change of becoming a mother and taking a year long career break. I even survived going back to my investment banking career and leaving my toddler in the care of a nanny – although there were many days I thought I couldn’t do it anymore and would just quit. I soldiered through it because while my daughter is doing well and is happy, I needed to go back to work to find my (lost) professional confidence and to reestablish my ambitions and to figure out what to do next before handing in my notice (if I’d still want to do that). I worked hard to elbow my way back into the corporate world and somehow juggled the mum gig on the side as well and eventually our family found a new normal. And then, five months later, I’m pregnant again.
As you know this pregnancy was planned and very much hoped for. As happy as I am about it, I have to admit that if being a working mum of a toddler is hard, being a working pregnant mum of a toddler is even harder!!! I feel like I have even less energy for all of my commitments and the mum guilt is taking over again. My husband is really helping out by taking the “morning shifts” with Maia seven days a week so that I can sleep in and he takes Maia to the park on the weekends to give me even more time to sleep. And it still isn’t enough! Never mind the guilt and disappointment I feel for not being able to spend enough time with my daughter…
As soon as I found out I was pregnant again my newly found work ambitions and motivation somehow faded to the background because I know that in five months I’ll be out again… i find this really frustrating! Work is much more fun when you feel excited and motivated. I try but on most mornings I feel like crying because I’m just so tired and feel sick and just getting dressed and to the office feel too much to handle. I need to somehow find my motivation again because I really need it now!
I’ve been feeling a bit down lately and after some self reflection I think it’s because I haven’t been able to carry on with my usual workouts and gym classes. I have so little time but it’s mainly because I’m just too tired. I really enjoy exercising and it makes me feel happy and energised and I always struggle to cope without. But if this pregnancy is anything like my last, in a few weeks I’ll start feeling better again!
This is my 10th pregnancy week and I’m in Stockholm on a work trip. The nausea has subsided a bit but the fatigue is paralysing. I haven’t told my boss about the pregnancy and I’m not ready to do that yet, but that also means no sympathy points (not sure if these exist in my industry anyway). It’s also getting increasingly difficult to dress business appropriately (while hiding the pregnancy!) because I’m at that awkward stage where I can’t button my trousers but I don’t have a bump to fill the maternity clothes either. Obviously wardrobe challenges are the least relevant of problems but amidst everything else they can feel overwhelming – client meetings in leggings anyone??!!
Why am I hiding the pregnancy at work? I sincerely believe I’ve done my work well during this pregnancy although probably not with the usual smile on my face. I definitely don’t think of pregnancy as an excuse for slacking but the reality is that it comes with challenges (such as the fatigue) and although I will continue to do my work well, getting some understanding from my colleagues could ease some of the pressure I feel. But to be honest, I don’t think they would understand anyway (being men). I also know from experience how quickly you get labelled as the “pregnant woman” and it shifts focus away from your work achievements and career ambitions. I was already overlooked for promotion once. I know that if all goes well, the pregnancy and baby are very much happening but I prefer to share the news rather later than sooner.
I know this post has a bit of a negative vibe… I just prefer to be honest about it because not every day is rosy even when you are happily pregnant. They say your life changes after you have children and that’s absolutely true, heck I’ve definitely changed as a person too! For the better I think! What I think causes many of the challenges in my life currently is that my life hasn’t change enough and it should have. I’m trying to do the same job and would love to keep up with my fitness and even some sort of a social life, but being a mum of two to-be, it’s just not possible! Something has to change longer term… But for now my focus is on doing my best in the current life situation until the little brother/sister arrives. ❤️
xoxoxo,
Sini