I never expected to cry as much as I have after saying goodbye to our children’s nanny last week but honestly, our decision to let her go after a year and half of being part of our family was heartbreaking. When deciding on how long I would need full time help for, I was focused on practicalities and financial considerations. I of course worried about Maia’s reaction to losing someone she’d spent everyday with for such a long time, but since she’s still so young and lives very much in the moment, I was quite certain she’d soon adapt to being at home with just mummy. But I had not realised how attached to our nanny I had become! I’ve always appreciated her support and considered her as my friend, but I had not realised how much I had come to rely on her, and I’m not just talking about the practical help with the kids but also the emotional support (providing a shoulder to cry on) and company. This became even more important in the last three months during which we’ve been in lockdown and only had each other as company.
I used to think nannies were for posh people who have staff. Then I found myself in a situation where, out of necessity, we hired a nanny to look after our one year old daughter. I had gone back to my job in finance and the long hours and business travel meant that I needed to hand over 90% of the parenting (💔). We have virtually no support network whatsoever in London and hiring help was the only way I could return to my career. It was the hardest decision of my life to leave my first baby and the only thing making it a bit easier was the knowledge that Maia was at home with a person of my choosing, who dedicated her days to my daughter’s wellbeing. Since then our lives changed again with the second pregnancy and the consequent arrival of Noah. Our nanny was there through it all, looking after Maia while we were at the hospital and being the first person to greet us when we brought him home. In the last the past year and half I’ve learned that a nanny is not just a babysitter or an employee. She becomes part of the family.
Yes I find the idea of looking after both of my children (now 2.5-years and 5-months old) daunting and yes I‘m sad about not getting to see my friend everyday anymore, but what made me cry was the idea of Maia and her nanny losing the special bond and relationship which they have. Maia has grown from a baby to a toddler while being looked after by her nanny – they’ve done so much together and she’s learned so much from her. I even overheard Maia calling her nanny her best friend! And suddenly this best friend is not coming to our home every morning anymore. I feel like I’ve broken her little heart twice – first by leaving her to go back to work and now by ending her nanny’s employment with us. This thought is what made me cry so hard. I realise it’s a bit silly because Maia has not even really registered the change yet (it’s only been five days) and isn’t sad. I try to be rational and remind myself that Maia now gets to spend her days with me and while our relationship and bond isn’t what it was when she was 1-year old and we’d never been apart, I would still like to think she loves me and I’m her “number one” (although in fairness daddy might have knocked me off that pedestal). And in September Maia will start nursery school for three hours every morning and will make friends her own age. We will try to preserve her relationship with her nanny as well and when possible we’d love her to come back to babysit occasionally. As a matter of fact she’s coming in a few weeks on our wedding anniversary!
Speaking of the nanny, I also feel sad for her for not seeing my children as frequently anymore… It’s part of the job of course and she’s gone through it before but it can’t be easy. But she will soon start a new job with a new family and a new baby and she will get to experience this special time once again from the beginning.
I’m trying to look forward as well now and to be happy to be able to do what my heart tells me which is to look after my children by myself and be the kind of mum I always wanted to be.
xoxoxo,
Sini